Honeymoon Help

Happily Ever After

Once you have had the big wedding life can return to... normal? A new life? Maybe you're excited to get beyond the wedding stuff, or maybe you're going to be really sad and lost on how to spend your free time.

Ways people think about "happily ever after":

If you have lived together before the wedding, you may be surprised at your new energy to make your house a home, to be more "intentional" about your life together
If you haven't lived together, this is a big deal! You have a lot of logistical decisions to make on how you want to share your living space, coordinating a lot of paperwork, address changes, probably combining finances in some way
Some couples claim nothing changes after the wedding, but many, even if they lived with their spouse for a long time, feel DIFFERENT. They feel more content and secure.

Potential first hiccups:

The first "family event" post-wedding may ignite some emotion. Whether this is a second cousins birthday party that conflicts with a concert and the family is up in arms that you'd chose the concert, or whether it's that first holiday post-wedding where parents are dueling for your presence, you will invariably experience new stuff as a married couple in relation to your families and friends
There can be a psychological "shift" when people get married. Your parents marriage start to bubble up and your views of your new role as husband or wife may start making you think differently about your relationship (hopefully for good!)
Friends who are not married may start to avoid you, or complain about your marriage because they are now forced to change their life
You may feel more distant from your single friends and crave finding other married friends
Your need to "nest" may translate your bridal focus into home repairs and fixing things up or simply buying your first home.
It is REALLY important to figure out health insurance. You have 30 days as a newly married couple to cancel your own coverage and join your spouses (or vice versa.) This comes into play most often for couples who want to try to get pregnant. If the womans coverage is not very good, she should do research on her husbands insurance and sign up right away! The only time you can change insurance is for a "qualifying" event, such as a marriage, birth of a new baby, adoption of a baby, lose of job (or going from full-time to part-time which drops your insurance.) If your maternity coverage is bad, switch now even if it may be a couple years until you want to get pregnant. If you and your spouse have the same "open enrollment", you could wait. Open enrollment is usually one time per year that you are allowed to alter your health benefits. Every company has their own time so it's not likely you and your spouse will have the same window to change insurance.

Expectations you have for your marriage

If you "dated well" you have talked at length about your views of marriage, about your parents marriage (or divorce), about the life you want to lead as a couple. Life has a funny way of overtaking us and the work of marriage is in handling "life" in such a way that you can stay connected to your spouse. Even something as "simple" as having a new boss can wreck havoc on your relationship if you become overly-whiney, miserable, and hate your job.

Here is just a sampling of issues couples hopefully "know". Every relationship is different and there is no right or wrong way, as long as both people are on the same page.

When you want to go out with friends, do you connect with your spouse first, or confirm the plans first, then let your spouse know?
What do your weekends (or non-work days) look like? Do you assume you'll spend time together or do your own thing?
Are mealtimes always together, sometimes together, or only together if you actually coordinate your schedules?
Are birthdays a big deal?
Is local family a big deal? How often are you expected to be with them and what are the "rules" around when you can say "no" without offending them? What about out of town family?
How do you manage relationships with both sets of parents? Is the blood relative responsible for all communication or is there a belief that the "wife takes over?"
How much can you "demand" of your spouse? Where does your influence end and being disrespectful begin? (Ex: I really need you to pick up the office because my parents are coming to visit. VS Stop playing that video game NOW and clean up the office.)

The First Dance Recommendation:

We never have hard and fast rules on what you should do or how you should think about wedding planning. Our goal is to help you become a stronger couple as you navigate your growing relationship and redefining yourself as a newly married couple. Wedding party members who do various degrees of wedding planning are either an asset to you because your fiance(e) is not interested, or can be a source of strain when your partner wants to be more involved and feels like your friends should not be so intimately involved. Then add in friendship drama that may develop in wedding planning and your fiance(e) may really not understand why you are giving such a honorific role to someone who stresses you out, or can't understand why you don't feel like you can just "fire" the friend.

So the best course of action is really decide for yourself what you are expecting, get the lay of the land on what families expect and proceed with caution. If you view your bridal party as a workhorse team and your fiance's family views the bridal party as a way to honor family (and you haven't met or barely know the women in his family) you could be in for some tension between your view and starting your marriage by causing tremendous family drama. It is then important to separate the 'wedding party roles' from the actual tasks you are hoping to get help on. There is nothing wrong with "just a friend" playing right hand help with your wedding even if they aren't in the wedding party... as long as they know why (you have two sisters and a future sister in law you have to invite and it's easier to keep things all family). In this case of course you then have to asssess what role the family members expect to play as bridal party members.

What is your approach and how is it working for you? Let us know!

Tips to keep in mind:

am I asking for something reasonable out of my wedding party?
are my views of the wedding not taking into account the realities of other peoples lives - my wedding party attendants don't have the time to take off work, or help me plan, or money to carry out big events
have I waited until it was too late to find out if someone is planning a shower or bachelore/tte party? Have I made the mistake of assuming someone should have known?
have I created an ugly triangle between two bridal party members by complaining about one to another? is that causing more stress for my confidante who has to navigate my feelings and her own relationship with that other attendant?
am I keeping the bridal party updated on what is going on and being direct in asking for what I need (without assuming they are "required" to do anything I want?)
if a bridal attendant is stressing me out, is it because of lack of communication on my part, miscommunication on her role, their own shortcomings that will never change (and I mistakenly thought would vanish because this is my special day?), or have I done something to cause the problem?

- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

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