The First Dance | Wedding Relationship Help | Premarital Counseling

This blog has moved

2010-04-16T16:41:00.001-05:00

This blog is now located at http://firstdance1.blogspot.com/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to
http://firstdance1.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default.

Lots of Changes!

2010-02-24T15:39:00.003-06:00

Greetings blog readers. I've been very neglectful as I spent the rest of November working on a website redesign. December was unproductive being a full time mom, followed by unexpected arm surgery and an annoying recovery. But finally, the new design is live! I've still got some glitches, but do you ever get so tired of a project you just release it with errors rather than keep holding it back?

New too, are fantastic wedding vendors who believe in strengthening your marriage. They get free advertising in exchange for giving WEDDING DISCOUNTS to engaged couples who may qualifying purchases on our website. Even if couples do their own marriage prep, two unique offerings still apply: Take Back Your Wedding, our book, for $12.99, and the Money Attitudes game, $25, used by the Army and thousands of financial planners, educators, non-profits to help people get underneath their values around money. Basically for $10 or more, depending on what you do, we can literally save you hundreds of dollars!

I'm glad to be back to blogging. Watch for more soon. I promise.

Justifying a wedding (financially)

2009-11-09T10:29:00.004-06:00

One of my passions is to "defend" a wedding against attacks of superficiality, materialism, or over-consumption. Why? Because I believe RITUALS are extremely powerful and we have almost none in America. A prom is probably the first ritual (or debutant ball if you're in the south.) High school and college graduations are rituals, and funerals are rituals. But notice most are very public for a mass of people, and then one is a last-minute, sad event where someone has to DIE for the event to happen.

So here we sit, my husband and I. We're on a new, slow ramp to more financial freedom after taking massive pay cuts to switch careers (more soul-fulfilling but not so good at bill-paying!) We're going to acquire a small pot of money from an estate sale and the question is what to do with the money.

Sometimes this is when your parents agree to put a chunk into your wedding. Or perhaps you're considering taking on a second job, or consulting gig, or dipping into savings, to help bring in more cash for your big day. No matter the situation, it is a very vulnerable thing to put a lot of money into ONE day, particularly when it's not a single object with great financial loan options (like with cars or homes.) In our situation, we're considering remodeling our basement (doing all the labor ourselves, which will save a lot of money.)

Some of the emotion is inside your head. "A basement remodel?" It sounds so silly compared to what we could spend our money on. We could all go to the dentist (no dental insurance), we could upgrade my car (small sedan and our tall kids legs are up against the front seats), on and on. But we spend 90% of our non-kid time (evenings and naptimes) in the basement and it would greatly improve not just our daily lives but our home value and family life as the kids get older.

In the case of a wedding, you hear all the comments. Flowers die in a day. The dress can only be worn once. Guests don't use the favors. A cake is eaten and gone. You're only in the limo for a short time.

On the flip side, every vendor has a sale pitch to counter any negative thoughts. Flowers/music/food set the entire TONE of the day. The dress is an icon of a wedding and can be passed on for generations. The music is what makes the experience enjoyable for guests.

Money. Such a frustrating, fascinating topic. We all have our patterns of how we spend or save, and we all have opinions on how OTHERS should spend or save! This is one reason we're happy to sell our Money Habitudes card game - a fantastic way to quickly, easily, and without feeling bad (or overly proud), figure out your own money motivations as well as your partners. Check it out and maybe get your friends to do the game, or your parents. I was surprised to learn how much money represents security and safety to me, because I'm sort of frugal, but not to the point of overly spending time on bargain hunting, or "DIY projects." Growing up babysitting, I was able to afford spending a summer in Europe on my $2/hour babysitting jobs, which just sat in the bank account!

How have YOU justified the money or are you having issues defending your decisions? Do comment!

The secret sauce of weddings

2009-10-23T11:40:00.003-05:00

Here at The First Dance, we care deeply about relationships. This includes the married couples relationship, the connections with their parents, extended family, and friends. Weddings can require the diplomacy of a United Nations Summit, and yet our culture offers little in the way of real help beyond "it's your day, do what you want." This is why we created our website, book, classes, and this is what we love to tackle!

No matter how much or little you spend on your wedding, one of the biggest tragedies of a "great wedding" is something you can actually control (unlike impossibly controlling parents, jealous friends, or the weather.) It's called FLOW.

What do we mean by flow? Flow is when the entire experience is smooth and hospitable for everyone involved. It means people feel comfortable where they're supposed to be, knowing what is going on, and having things develop (food, toasts, music) in a logical, timely fashion. Many weddings lack flow because it requires managing every single aspect of the guest experience and how the event will unfold. Many large events other than weddings also live or die on "flow" which is probably one of many reasons event planners are hired by companies because the event can't risk being executed poorly.

This is where a wedding coordinator, event planner, or experienced friend can help out. Whether you're spending $5,000 or $100,000 on your big day, FLOW can be more important to the success or failure of how much fun guests have and how well all the pieces are put together.

Here is a very short list of flow in action. These are from the point of view of wedding guests. I have experienced a large number of these myself and you probably have too. Comment on other experiences you've had as a wedding guest!

• You are twenty minutes late to the ceremony because there was no map, or there was unpredicted road construction, or the map provided was so poor you got lost (thankfully the 3 minute ceremony was delayed because a set of grandparents was also completely lost....)

• You’re friends with BOTH the bride and groom and get flustered when the usher asks “which party” you belong to in order to figure out which side of the pews you should sit at?

• You get to the ceremony and have no idea where to park or what door to enter

• After the ceremony you and everyone around you has no idea if they’re supposed to stand up, wait for others to stand first, or have no idea where to go when you do stand up?

• Have you been pulled away to help with some task, leaving your date to sit or stand alone, because you are needed for something unexpected?

• Have you argued with your date about how much time you have to linger after the ceremony before getting to the reception because neither of you has a clue when it starts or how long it takes to get there?

• Ever been stressed out to race to get to the reception because you are afraid your group of 6 friends won’t be able to find a seat together if you hang out too long after the ceremony?

• Wondered what the bride and groom were thinking assigning you a table with people you had nothing in common with?

• Ever had to walk around 15-20 tables, trying not to bump into people with food in their hands, grumbling as you have to walk AROUND every table, trying to find your name?

• Ever been excited about who is at your table, only to sit down and not be able to see the people across from you because of the centerpieces? Then you realize no matter where you move the centerpiece, you’re blocking someone?

• Ever wonder when it’s safe to step away to the bathroom, or make a quick call, or get some fresh air away from the crowds, but are afraid you’re going to miss something important at the wedding reception?

Cruise for your marriage!

2009-09-29T16:20:00.004-05:00

It is really fun to meet someone in person, and then get to know them better via Social Media! I met Michelle Gannon, a licensed psychologist based out of San Francisco a few years ago at a marriage conference. I'm sorry I corrupted her young kids by mentioning the Coke museum (we were in Atlanta) but I did score them some soda and adventures!

Michelle is one of our early Marriage Friendly Therapists and The First Dance therapists. She is the Founder of Marriage Prep 101- Workshops for Engaged, Newlywed and Seriously Dating Couples that she teaches with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon.

She is active on Twitter and just started a new blog where she discusses relationships and women's issues. Lots of fun topics.

And...if you are not able to travel to San Francisco for their workshops you can join the Gannons on a cruise during Valentine's Day weekend! Sail roundtrip from Miami to colorful Key West, and then beaches of Cozumel while learning how to create the best relationship possible. The coolest thing is this is for ALL couples of all ages and stages so if it sounds romantic and helpful, do sign up! I love talking to Michelle on Twitter and even taught her how to live chat on Facebook. I wish I could go but with two small children and my husbands new marriage counseling practice, the timing won't work out this year.

This is a real couple, full of humor, reality, and are not afraid to talk about their OWN marriage struggles. Do check them out!

How Ikea is like Wedding Planning

2009-09-09T13:38:00.003-05:00

My husband, a marriage therapist, just opened a new office. This has meant a lot of trips to Ikea, a lot of shopping for things we haven't purchased ever, or in a long time. And it means figuring out the style you want, how much we are willing to spend for that style, and the needs of the couples who go to him for counseling. It also means figuring out how to pay for all the new furniture.

For those who have an Ikea near them, you know it's a great place to get very affordable furniture, textiles, and miscellaneous decorative items like mirrors, vases, storage units, etc. Some say it isn't "real furniture" because it's not top quality. Their mission is to provide great style and functionality at a highly competitive price. And it fits many peoples budgets.

When couples and their families begin wedding planning they usually know it's going to be expensive, or they know they will have to make tough choices to keep the prices down. But there is nothing quite so startling as searching for something related to your wedding (whether it's photography, the dress, food, rentals) and being shocked at the prices. Weddings are a once a lifetime thing (hopefully) so you don't have the "Ikea brand" to know if you're really in a low end or high end place. And the thing about Ikea is if THEIR prices shock you, it is a one-two punch of first sticker shock, then extra shock knowing those are the CHEAPEST prices you will find anywhere.

Often the first place you get wedding sticker shock will not completely depress you because you still naively believe you can find the same things for less elsewhere. It is only in digging around that you find lower prices usually mean lower quality, fewer extras, or a "cheap look". The trick for most of us is to get somewhere inbetween not expensive and not too cheap looking.

So next time your parent, fiance, or friend cop an attitude with you about decisions you've made that seem too expensive, remind them they gone though the same sticker shock in buying a car, a new suit, a house, finding an affordable college, or any number of other things people often do rarely. Even if they still freak out on you, be calm knowing they are staying at "sticker shock" land instead of doing their own research and realizing you may have actually gotten a fantastic deal. And if it's a single friend, be extra relaxed while you wait for them to some day plan their own wedding and call you up freaking out about how expensive everything is and how they had no idea.

Watch for a You Tube video hopefully soon on this topic of money and why weddings are expensive! It's being designed for parents to get a greater understanding of the wedding industry and why it is not the same as when they got married.

Wedding Ceremony Music

2009-08-30T16:54:00.003-05:00

I was just "surfing" on Twitter and came upon pianists who are local to my state (Minnesota) but make fantastically popular piano music, including wedding music!

I played piano for 18 years and lucked out having an amazing pianist at our church who invented an impromptu Bridal March for me and played a ragtime piece for our walk down the aisle together after the ceremony. Ragtime - never would have thought of it but it was fantastic.

Great piano music here and if you buy anything through this link, you're also supporting our efforts at The First Dance to support and strengthen new marriages. Help your wedding (or nerves - they have really relaxing music for sale on MP3 download or CD's).

In fact this makes me want to email the piano brothers! I'll blog about it if I do land an interview with them! :)

Where to store wedding cards?

2009-08-27T13:12:00.003-05:00

If you haven't joined Twitter you should. I met a fantastically creative woman named Marni on there and she's graciously answered some cool questions for us on what to do with your wedding cards.

I was really surprised how many cards I got at my engagement and then the flood that come by themselves (often with money, weee!) and always with a gift. Some of them of course just have a name, but some have great notes in them.

The nice thing about wedding cards is even if they're in a big plastic tote (ahem...) there is still time to sort through the ones you'd want to store in a more creative way. I'm all about making and keeping memories alive. I'm also into living in a beautiful space with art around. You can combine the two with a creative card box!

Happy card sorting!

The cost of doing business

2009-08-24T15:56:00.005-05:00

I was just reading a wedding planner blog and found this fantastic paragraph that I want to highlight. The reason this caught my eye is:

1 - you can put yourself in the shoes of a wedding planner and see how many "HOURS" are put into the simple, 'day of coordination'

2 - you can see how their fee, worked backwards, pays them almost nothing

3 - you can then see why low fees mean you get low paid vendors, which means... you either get someone without a lot of experience (which is fine if you are aware of that), or someone who isn't really math saavy who may be overcommiting and going to get burned out real fast when they realize they aren't making enough money to survive and be passionate about what they do!

$8-9/hour, depending on where you live, is most likely going to be unskilled labor. Fast food, retail, someone who files papers.

If you want to get someone with tremendous experience at complex events like weddings you are going to have to pay well, with the idea that you are going to get a lot more for your money.

The paragraph is taken from this wedding planning blog.

Charge what you are worth. Take time to figure out how much money you want to make per hour then multiply it times 3. That is a very rough estimate of what your clients need to pay you. You will pay almost 30% for taxes alone plus all your business expenses before you can pay yourself. For example, if you charge $500 for wedding day coordination that includes the final walk-through, rehearsal and 10 hours on the wedding day plus a few meetings with your bride, creating time lines and confirming vendors, you end up with around $25 or so per hour before taxes/expenses. Take your taxes and business expenses from that and you make about $8-$9 hour. AND that does not include paying an assistant. Isn't all your hard work worth more than that? I sure hope so, even as a novice.

Amazing relationship technique

2009-08-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

This is a technique used by many marriage counselors and by folks who have what I call a "high emotional intelligence." Many of us use this technique in a work setting without realizing it and without translating the skill to our personal life.

It goes like this:

Bride: "YOU DIDN'T CALL THE LIMO COMPANY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? We're a MONTH away from the wedding and I asked you to do this 11 MONTHS AGO?"

Let's process the reaction they're going to get. The groom is going to be extremely defensive, right? He's also likely to be pissed that he's getting yelled at. However he responses with those emotions varies from guy to guy. Some guys are going to just walk out the door. Some guys will get defensive, attack the bride back, or try to ignore the tension completely. She's going to take her current state of emotions and they'll jump 100x more forceful in response to his reaction.

Now let's think through our brides emotions, and simply shift our word choice, and our tone. Instead of freaking out about HIM and what HE DIDN'T DO, let's focus on the only thing she can honestly talk about: her feelings.

What is she feeling? Probably scared there will be no limos left for her wedding day. Vulnerable to the fact that she can't control everything. Frustrated and feeling distrustful that when her groom agreed to do something, he didn't. That leads to feeling helpless. If he can't even do something he agreed to, then she's really got to take over and that makes her feel sad and powerless.

Notice all those are about HER, not him? So let's change the conversation around.

"We don't have a limo? Oh my gosh. That makes me so scared there won't be any left. I'm feeling so helpless right now that I get a promise from you and it didn't happen. I need to you know that I'm SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT NOW and feeling let down that you promised and didn't follow through."

Then STOP. That is the magic. Express yourself. Then STOP. Wait for his response. Don't keep the verbal diarhea going.

Now he's going to respond to your VULNERABILITY. He's going to hear you're scared, you're feeling let down, you're feeling helpess. This gives him an opening to express his vulnerability. He probably feels like a total jerk. He probably feels like a loser for forgetting or procrastinating. He might also be extremely frustrated that he had no idea limos book up and that he was supposed to do this months ago. And he might also now feel COMPLETELY HELPLESS on what to do and how to manage your emotions, plus his.

Once you hear his side, you've all put your eggs on the table and can work together, as a team, to figure out where to put your emotions and how to get the limo fixed. And hopefully in the process you've realized by never attacking, even if it's extremely tempting, you are guarenteed to get better results.

If you have tried this, or find you have the same fights over and over, reward yourself with some premarital counseling (or marriage therapy). We have fantastic counselors all over the nation that love to help strenthen the bond between two commited individuals. We also have books and an online inventory to help you two lay out your strengths and areas of growth opportunity. See our premarital counseling page.

The Last Name Change Dilemma

2009-08-13T09:59:00.002-05:00

I have been mulling over, and finally wrote about the name change issue brides face. It's a "hot topic" because you can't say anything without offending someone. But underneath the various reasons people do, or don't, change their name, is the recognition that it isn't easy. Whether you chose to keep your own name and your inlaws refuse to acknowledge it, writing to you as "Mrs. Aaron Smith" instead of Jennifer Petra, or your feminist girlfriends are horrified that you've been taken over by a man, if you chose to change your last name, rarely do we find someone who isn't surprised at our decision.

What we at The First Dance care deeply about is the conversations that take place, first between bride and groom. Mutually listening to each persons vantagepoint, coming to a solid decision, both agreeing on that decision, and then holding firm, defending the choice against people who might have negative opinions. In the situation above, the groom, if he knows his parents are going to be wigged out by his bride not changing her name, must have a sit down conversation with his parents and get them to understand this is their decision as a couple and whether they like it or not, this is the way it is. It is not fair for a bride to have to navigate conflictual waters with her in-laws. Nor is it fair for her to be offended every time they address her with a wrong last name only to have her groom shrug and say, "why are you making such a big deal of it?" It is a big deal and he's got to take action.

As you'll read in the article, I felt strongly about changing my last name, but I also loved my maiden name. I know few friends who haven't had the emotiona struggles, even if they were as confident as I was in what I was going to do.

Wedding DJ Ideas and Wisdom

2009-08-04T09:39:00.004-05:00

In our new routine of seeking out professionals in every aspect of wedding planning, we have a fabulous Q&A with an LA DJ company. I laughed out loud, I gasped at some stories, and all around I am much more informed, even though I've already gotten married and didn't think I could really learn THAT much more.

Take a look at the wedding DJ wisdom. Share any stories you have or just share that web page with your fellow engaged friends!

Keeping the Romance Alive while Wedding Planning

2009-07-30T10:03:00.004-05:00

We have a romance expert to share some of her thoughts on romance, particularly during wedding planning season. It's such a tough balance, between jobs, errands, life, trying to still date, and then spending many hours getting details in order for the big day.

One thing that often surprises couples is how the wedding starts to take a toil on their relationship. Before being engaged, a date was just about the two of you. After being engaged, the date may come with sticky conversations about difficult parents, or jealous siblings, or a mismatch in expectations for the wedding. The relationship is in the adolescent phase. You're not married yet, but you're not just single. It's a tricky situation to be in, no matter how long you've been together.

I can say, a few years into marriage with two kids, those dates you have will stick in your memory, even if you have less time to do them. There were many times my husband and I would walk around the local lakes, only for my low blood pressure to cause me problems and we'd have to find a bench. Annoying at the time, but pretty funny how we could never quite manage to walk all the way around a lake without a pause. It became part of the expectation of those dates, which were sometimes quite stressful as we tried to talk through the Stuff of Married Life. But they were important conversations and we moved forward in our relationship because of them. (For more conversations, we have an amazing self-guided premarital counseling book designed for date/conversations. Check it out.)

Those little moments of life are always grander than the big plans. Hopefully your wedding is amazing, but it is just one day of many, many romantic days you should plan for! If you haven't yet set your honeymoon plans, check out our interactive guide to get the two of you on the same page for what exactly you want from the honeymoon (and we don't just mean THAT....)

Enjoy our great questions and answers on romance during wedding planning from a romance expert! May her wisdom instill the passion in you to keep your love alive.

Wedding Invitations, the Stress, Fun, and Keepsake

2009-07-22T11:37:00.002-05:00

Wedding invitations. You go into your wedding plans either knowing what you want, not having a clue, or thinking you know what you want and end up somewhere totally different.

I went into my wedding not wanting to waste money on invitations. It wasn't a high priority, and we were just fine printing them off ourselves, thank you very much. But, as always seems to happen, while flipping through a wedding magazine I happened upon a full page ad for wedding invites. I don't think I gasped, but I almost did. I stared. And stared. And became entranced. These were nothing like I'd seen before! I loved the color! I loved the font! I loved the extremely simple yet very, very classy design. I went to the website of the designer, found two retail stores in my entire state, and decided to make a trip to visit them "in person."

I was so innocent as the sales lady gave me the price. I can't remember the exact number, but I believe it would have been about $4,000 for 150 invitations. This was almost half of my ENTIRE BUDGET! I asked if it anything could make them cheaper. Nope. The entire invite was a designer who trademarked the whole thing. It was that or nothing.

But the seed had been planted. I could no longer go from that invitation to plain white invites printed off the computer. I asked the sales lady for other unique invitations and she gave me a few books. Nope, nope, nope, nope, flipping page after page after page. But then I stumbled upon a FABULOUS invitation! Yes, this was it. Unique, funky, but not too weird. Just the right balance of zip and class.

My husband came with me another time and he agreed they were fabulous, especially after looking at the same books and seeing what was out there. We proceeded to "stalk" our invitations, stopping by several times on date nights, just to see how pretty they were.

They were more expensive than we had originally planned, but we came to see how vital they were to setting the tone and mood of the wedding. In fact we got a TON of compliments and we even had guests of his mom call HER to say how great the invitations were.

I've asked some great, unique wedding invitation questions of a wedding invitation designer. Check it out and I hope you get inspired!

Wedding Tuxedos

2009-07-21T11:17:00.003-05:00

Women often race to the wedding dress shops as soon as they get engaged. Men on the other hand? The tuxedo shopping may be exciting or it may be one of the most dreary tasks since it not only involves him but his bestman, groomsmen, and trying on clothes.

We asked a tuxedo rental company for some advice and got some great answers! They mentioned the tuxedo shop being the meeting place before the rehearsal dinner and that is exactly right! It was wild to go to my local mall and run into our wedding party (the men, anyway), as they were walking to and out of, the tux rental shop. They were all out of towners, so it was an extra stress that they had been fitted properly, planes were on time, and they could get to the shop before it closed.

I remember not having many opinions at all and being glad I wasn't a man. I knew I wanted my groom in a tux and fortunately he wanted one as well. All those details of a suit were lost on me, but I was lucky that he cared. In fact it was a bit of a role reversal - not really wanting to be there for long, bored, wishing I could be anywhere else.

Hope the Q&A on wedding tuxedo rentals on our website is as interesting to you as it was to me. Enjoy!

How weddings are like jeans

2009-07-02T15:00:00.004-05:00

I am down to one last pair of jeans. I've either worn them out, my husband got paint all over one pair, and somehow, here I am. The jean shopping experience is again in my future. Fortunately I have a few months of summer left.

Jeans are a great analogy to weddings because of all the diversity, viewpoints, and pressures, both social and financial, to chose one type or another.

On the one hand, jean shopping, like weddings, should be very rational. Find your budget, figure out your requirements, match your budget and requirements, and out come the right jeans, or the "wedding you should have."

But we know it's never that simple. Sometimes the options you first see are either priced wrong, or don't "excite you". You know there must be more! Then often you find something gasp inducing in its glory. Maybe it's The Jean With All Your Requirements. Or it's the exact wedding invites you've been looking for, down to the type font, exact shade of paper color and size.

At this point either the price tag makes you gasp again and rethink your original requirements, or you mention your discovery to a friend who has an instant opinion. "Ooh, you have GOT to check out this!" Or I found the best deal here (regardless of whether that place has what you're actually looking for.)

You are often educated on all the options you didn't know exist and the benefits thereof (sure the jeans are crazy expensive but not only will they look amazing on you but they'll last so much longer!) Or instead of one flavor of cake, go with three separate tiers with a flavor each (thereby tripling the discussions, confusion and potential cost, though adding the ever-desired ability to make everyone happy.) You hadn't thought about three flavors before! You didn't really think about the long lasting wear of a high quality jean.

The next stage is usually over saturation of options, prices, requirement questioning, and sometimes, as is often the case for me, the desire to wax poetic about "the old fashioned days" where you could go to the store and just buy A PAIR OF JEANS. You didn't have 120 choices of cut, style, waist fit, zipper or button, shade, pocket placement.

When you're at this stage there is nowhere to turn. Your best bud is not over saturated and is quick to give you her opinion. The sales person just wants to make a sale and has all the ways to talk you out of competing opinions. Your fiance or spouse has never cared that much, or at this point only cares that you SHUT UP already and make a decision. That of courses ticks you off and now you've just notched up your stress.

Some of us will then grab the first thing we have time to get, whether it fits our requirements or price. Others of us will just stop altogether and return to the task some time in the future when we're not so uncertain. And others of us will do what we always do - focus on price (whether that is the frugal price or the highest price because we believe price always reflects quality.) And still others of us will let the sales person convince us and with exhaustion, hand over the credit card because we just don't care anymore.

What is your wedding theme?

2009-06-30T13:42:00.003-05:00

What is the theme of your wedding? And I don't mean colors or style. I mean, is your wedding planning going well? Are you and your fiance getting along well? Are your parents thrilled for your marriage? Are they stressed about how to pay for the wedding? Are they bickering at every little idea you float about the wedding?

Unfortunately, I've seen time and again in both the weddings I've been involved with and the weddings I hear talked about that I didn't attend, the REAL wedding theme may have nothing to do with the wedding. "His parents weren't able to attend because they insisted on having a destination wedding." "Her mom went wacko and the bride and her barely spoke the entire twelve month engagement." "Sure, it was a pretty wedding but you didn't hear how the parents fought nonstop, causing enormous stress on their daughter the entire time?"

It is easy, I know, to brush off all that wedding stress as "normal". It's easy to say that events are going to make people crazy, but at the end of the day what matters is you have a beautiful wedding (and marriage.)

But just remember, the wedding itself is going to be roughly six hours. Your engagement is likely to be about a year. And the REAL theme of your wedding is going to last your entire marriage. The beginning of your marriage does not begin at the alter but at the proposal. All those interactions you have today may haunt you for years to come.

Always stop and consider whether someone's grand wishes may just be more important for your current sanity and for your long term marriage than your need to have a "my day, my way" wedding.

Learn more at The First Dance. And if you need to, talk with a premarital counselor who will be able to help you navigate the complex family stuff happening in your wedding plans. Or at the VERY least take a powerful online premarital inventory that may help you figure out why you're so stressed as you build your new marriage and enter a new family (your in-laws.)

Wedding Registry for men!

2009-06-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

I am a guest blogger for a great wedding registry for men website! Check out our latest blog on their website.

The Man Registry has an unbelievably cool selection of gift ideas for not just the groom, best man, groomsmen, but also for fathers and male friends. You can also get great tips and follow them on twitter! Check out TheManRegistry.com for Fathers Day! Support a small business in the process.

Happy shopping!

Writing Thank You Notes

2009-06-10T13:18:00.003-05:00

I was just inspired to share tips on how to write thank you notes! It's not about the etiquette but how to feel GOOD about your wedding thank you notes. You may still dread doing them, but hopefully your writers block will be lessed.

I'm still both happy, intrigued, and a little embarassed that both my mom and my mother-in-law were CALLED on the phone by their friends who shared how much they enjoyed my thank you notes. One woman even shared my note with my mother-in-law, she was that impressed.

I'm not positive what I did differently than others, but the article will hopefully give you some perspective on what went on in my head. I write for cash gifts, thank yous from gifts you registered for, gifts from strangers (friends of parents), and gifts you hate!

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingthankyounotes.php

Wedding Planning on a 5K budget

2009-06-09T12:14:00.005-05:00

I'm just starting the idea of a 5K budget. What would you REALLY do? I am creating a challenge for myself and am looking for input from anyone.

The rules for "my" 5K wedding are to follow the core of what I valued in my actual marriage 5 years ago. These rules include:

1 - we would still invite who we invited. 125 showed up, I'd have to order 100 invitations (we had tons of social invites of people who would never travel.) I had and still have no interest in a tiny wedding. I'd rather go without some things than not invite people.

2 - we still would not have an outdoor affair. my husband has a long line of overly-warm people so the idea of being in a tux and sweating doesn't appeal to him. I hate bugs and sweating as well. We had a fall wedding and would still have a fall wedding. (too many southerners for our northern winters.)

I have some ideas but this is the month where I'm full time with our small children and don't have as much time - the end of June I'll be more free.

This blog is for people to comment. What would _YOU_ do, have done, with each category of weddings? Photography? Cake? Dress? Favors? Reception location? Obviously 5K requires a lot of creativity which likely means you'd have some very local ideas. But we'll start where we start and I'll build my own new wedding within $5,000. It was $12,000 before!

Comment on this blog and I'll be building via this blog as well as on the website.

The "I Don't Care" Blues

2009-06-03T13:44:00.004-05:00

This blog is dedicated to all the potential, current, or past fights you have had as an engaged couple around wedding planning. The most common way this goes is like this.

bride, "OK honey, next action item is to figure out flowers. What do you think?"

groom, "I don't care."

Bride is then left with a few emotions, sometimes conflicting. These might include:

Relief - one thing she doesn't have to coordinate his schedule and get his time to do!

Annoyance - she also DOES NOT CARE about flowers, but apparently she has to care because he's said (or so she thinks...) that he wants nothing to do with them.

Relief AND annoyance because she loves flowers but this yet ANOTHER thing he "doesn't care about" and she wonders if he'll have any opinion on anything??

So where does the problem arise? I will never forget the holiday party with my coworker who was there with her fiance. The groom was The Classic Groom who cared about nothing. Especially the flowers. Until the FLOWER COLOR meant his bride wanted him to wear a pink vest with his tuxedo. Then he REALLY cared. And she was at the end of planning, had the entire color scheme and vision set months prior. He felt that she had no right to make him wear a feminine pink color. She felt that because he said he didn't care, he had no right to ruin her color theme. He felt that he had at least SOME say because this was HIS outfit, not hers. He left her alone for her dress, why does she have a right to control his clothes? She didn't see the big deal and was annoyed at his "childishness."

What was going on? He had no idea what the flower decision related to that he MIGHT care about. She had no idea that he might care about things related to the flower choices she made. Perhaps neither knew at the beginning that the color thing would play itself out.

What can you do instead of accept an "I don't care?"

1. Be honest with yourself. If you are carrying the wedding planning burden, consider each task and what you want and need. If you really want your fiance to be involved with something you know they likely don't care about, then you need to express yourself and figure out what is reasonable. Afterall, if he really could care less, is dragging him to 4 florists, spending 4 weekends really going to help you, him, your wedding and your relatinoship? Probably not. But what if you're just wanting some validation on your ideas? Then you might say something like, "Honey, I'm thinking about keeping the flowers in the season of our wedding... this will keep costs down. When I've figured out what I think I like, I would really like to bring you to the florist to show you. I know you may not really care, but it will make me feel better having your 5 minute participation and nod of approval."

He gets a very concrete action plan and the reason. Go to the florist. Approve flowers. Easy, easy! She didn't ask if he cared and won't come back to get angry that he isn't helping out. This is a very groom-friendly conversation.

2. Research, ask the vendor (florist, baker, etc) what other decisions are impacted by this decision. Your vendor will really help you figure out what your groom might care about. Examples might be:

photography - depending on how expensive yours is, it may limit photo time or impact whether you two see each other before your ceremony. your groom likely has SOME opinion on seeing hsi bride before the ceremony.

baker - grooms may often just care about the flavor, or may have an opinion on saving the top layer for the one year anniversary and maybe don't care about WHICH baker. Or maybe he loves cake and wants to get taste testings from EVERY baker. :)

bridesmaids dresses - may only impact the vests of the best man and groosmen. the groom may hate the color or not want his buddies to be in pink (see story above!)

save the dates - the groom may not care if or how the STD's are done but may have an opinion on WHEN they're sent out. He may know his friends need a huge forewarning because they are always busy, or make travel plans during your wedding season. He may also need to fully understand what an STD is - it is basically an INVITATION, set well in advance, and there is no turning back, no uninviting those people. And for friends who didn't get a STD, if there are shared friends, your groom needs to know NOW that it may be a bit ackward when friends talk and some are invited and some aren't. He may just have no clue about any of that.

3. If neither of you care, find out of any other person cares - a parent, a best friend, perhaps a good friend who isn't in the wedding party but LOVES, say, flowers, and would love nothing more than figuring out some great options and researching vendors and prices. You never know!

4. If neither of you care and nobody else cares, then TOGETHER figure out how to make a decision. Brides should never be the "default planner" if she is equally as uninterested as the groom. This leads to her resenting the groom or worse, resenting the wedding itself. There are many other future issues in your marriage that neither of you are going to want to do (garbage pick up?!) but it has to get done. You might as well figure out how to navigate the "neither of us care" problem in the wedding itself. Perhaps you wheel and deal - he takes three things neither of you care about but you then don't complain if he takes a more expensive bachelor party weekend than you're doing for your bachelorette party. Or you divide the "don't care" list in half. Or one of you is good at researching and the other is great at making decisions. Maybe you split the "dont care" list this way... one researches, the other decides and signs the contrats. Get creative.

Feel free to share your "don't care" story!

Marriage planner or Wedding Planner?

2009-05-21T09:46:00.004-05:00

We at The First Dance love what we do!

One fun challenge we have is convincing marriage educators that the wedding is NOT a distraction in a relationship but is the single BEST OPPORTUNITY for couples to begin hashing out the issues they're having around money, budget, general "project management" as a team (if it's not the wedding it'll be home buying or remodeling, trip planning, etc), family, in-laws, how they balance their relationship with the competing demands of wedding planning (later will be demands on just LIFE, jobs, family, etc.) People in the "marriage world" see weddings as an extremely materialistic distraction and often bemoan "if couples only spent 1/10th the time on their relationship as they do on the wedding........" It's fine to complain but if you're in your 50's, planned a simple cake and punch wedding 25 years ago, it might be hard to relate to the wedding culture today!

Wedding coordinators and event planners see first hand how wedding planning can get a little out of control. The worst situations are when these professionals just know the couple is not going to make it... they have "divorce" written all over them. It's hard to help people plan a wedding when you don't even know why or how they're going to be married! It can also be hard to love your profession, service, or product, and watch a bride (or her family) go off the deep end. You can't just say, "seriously, it's _JUST_ a cake woman, calm down!" because, well, as a cake baker you just can't!

So here's our story!

When I got engaged, as the daughter of a marriage and family therapist, I was DETERMINED to have an "intentional engagement" and not let the wedding take over. I was arrogant about the wedding industry and the experiences that some people seem to go through while planning their wedding.

Then time passed. Checklists grew. Wedding magazines piled up. And I knew.... I got it.

Comparing wedding planning to marriage planning is a bit like telling a pregnant woman to STOP WASTING TIME OR ENERGY on her pregnancy and delivery (because after all, that is just a blip of time.) It would be instead trying to tell her to focus on her PARENTING SKILLS and child development research. Now anyone who has had a child knows that is total crap! The biggest issue you face is all the pregnancy drama and the fear of having this baby! I remember HAVING my firstborn, as a tiny baby, and reading the parenting magazines getting super stressed out at all the issues parents of 4 year old's face. Or trying to comprehend HOW my tiny 8 pound baby was going to be doing all those things some day and absorbing the advice that had no relevance to me at the time. (I quickly realized I just had to ignore those entire sections, knowing when my kid became that age, the magazine would be more relevant.)

The wedding is THE event, just like the pregnancy and delivery is THE EVENT. The pressures you face are not about how much you love your fiance, but how you're going to juggle the demands of everyone in the family, get the budget figured out, buy, order, meet with vendors, and pull off an event bigger than you've EVER planned and likely EVER WILL AGAIN! The "event" you already succeeded at was FINDING, DATING, FALLING IN LOVE, and getting engaged to your partner.

But you know what's exciting about wedding planning? It's actually a wonderful "crash course" in your married life. Has your mom gone over the edge? Guess what, she might do that again if you chose to have children some day! Are your friends raging with jealousy and acting very odd? They may do that again and again if you get a bigger house than them, or have kids when they want kids, etc. Are you and your fiance fighting about a friend you hate and he loves to hang out with? Think BIGGER than the wedding guest list.... think about how much control you can or should have over your loved ones social life as a married couple.

The goal on our website is to help navigate the relationships but to also "translate" wedding speak into marriage speak. Our photography page, for example, helps you think about wedding photography as it relates to your marriage and future. How does the wedding party relate to your marriage? We write about that too in What your Wedding Party can Teach You About Marriage. And of course, we started the series with what wedding planning can teach you about marriage. We have more on the guest list, are writing more every day.

Check back soon to The First Dance!

What is premarital counseling?

2009-05-18T21:43:00.006-05:00

I just ran across a website with a fascinating view of premarital counseling and marriage preparation courses.

Waste of money, why would you pay someone to ask you both “what your dreams are?” If you don’t know by now why you are getting married. Don’t get married!

After I stop being shocked I did laugh a little. It is a frustration for many couples who are excellent communicators and in rock solid relationships to sit with a third person who asks questions that are just downright insulting. Um, you think we haven't talked about whether we want kids? "Yay, communication came out as our key strength. We could have told you that for FREE!"

But here's where the comment shows its ignorance. Marriage is NOT about your dreams. Marriage is about how you manage your money, your job, your stress, your notions of responsibility, fairness, equity. Marriage is about how you navigate your loyalties to your parents, spouse, kids, and your in-laws. Marriage is a nonstop relationship always in balance with all the other demands put on you as a person.

Marriage is about having SKILLS and abilities. It has little to do with dreams! Afterall, you can marry someone with the identical dream and still end up in a miserable marriage. Or you can marry someone whose dreams change after five years of marriage, but it doesn't matter because you still have a bond, a loyalty, and the skills to work through life changes.

So if you don't want to talk to anyone else, we have some fun at home options.

1 - The Ultimate Premarital Test - research based, over 2 million couples have taken this premarital inventory. It assesses 20 aspects of your relationship and gives you an excellent "view" of your relationship as it compares and contrasts to each of your own views of marriage and of how you grew up. It's online, you both take the test, and you get a huge personalized report.

2 - A new MONEY game. It's actually super easy and fun. It has a sort of Myers-Briggs feel to it, like are you THIS way or THAT way... you want to "win" but you realize it isn't about winning, it's about learning how your own mind and emotions work around money. It will also give you some "aha" moments as you plan your wedding with someone who may have very different beliefs about money.

3 - A 12 hour self-guided premarital counseling book designed and used by a paster for many years. He doesn't believe that HIS role as a pastor is to "tell couples" things. He believes that he can give couples an amazing, in depth experience where they share their own beliefs, values, visions and that in sharing in a deep way, their bond and understanding grow. It's worth checking out! You can make one date out of each "conversation" in the book! It has pages you rip out for each hour-long conversation. Minnesota couples can also do this in a group setting and get $70 off their Minnesota marriage license fee.

4 - If you're experiencing any wedding stress, Take Back Your Wedding is a great way to have a marriage counselor perspective of marriage and family life in book form. You will definitely learn new skills and ways to think about all the complex relationships in wedding planning (and married life.)

5 - And meeting with an experienced marriage counselor in person is always a useful thing. We have a list by state on our premarital counseling page.

A good book on love and fairness is:

Top Ways People CREATE Wedding Stress

2009-05-15T17:44:00.002-05:00

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

Read the rest at The First Dance!

Simple wedding budget tip

2009-05-02T20:58:00.003-05:00

If you know how much you can spend on a wedding dress, follow these rules:

tell your sales person that you can not go a penny over and do not want to see any dress above that rate
if you aren't sure of the wedding dress shop, call and find out their wedding dress options in YOUR price point. maybe call ones you know are high end to get a sense of how many dresses in your price point they would even carry
do not shop at stores where you've got free range to look at all dresses in all price points (or rather, do not look but let your sales person or wedding party pick out dresses in your price point)
find designers who sell dresses at your price point, then go to their websites and find the retailers that sell their dresses.
do not try on a high priced dress out of curiosity. It can sometimes really mess with our minds to see a high end item and all the sudden see our "favorite" in a new, less attractive light
do confirm if you have any restrictions from your religious institution
talk with your fiance on whether he has any strong feelings about general style (great example is whether the two of you agree on whether brides should have clevage or not!)
once you commit to a dress do NOT TRY ON ANY MORE WEDDING DRESSES. There is no faster way to lose money than to have to sell a dress because you bought a second one.