The First Dance | Wedding Relationship Help

Rachel Gets Married, the movie

2008-11-14T14:18:00.002-06:00

I hadn't seen much of this movie other than a reference to it somewhere. It talked about the family dysfunction of wedding planning so of course I had to see it!

Unfortunately the camera work was purposefully very jittery, almost like a home made movie. This made me able to watch 30 minutes of the movie before I realized the plot was not very interesting and the nausea from motion sickness required immediate attention. So I tried to close my eyes and lasted another 10 minutes but even the flickering of the screen was too much.

I went home, disappointed in what seemed to be a movie that was trying VERY hard to be "sophisticated" and artistic but was perhaps neither. I love high brow movies and I love fart movies like Waynes World so it wasn't that I thought this movie wasn't a normal Hollywood Chic Lit flic.

The saddest part other than the extreme sickness was that I don't even really care how the movie ended. It didn't seem, in the first 40 minutes, to pull you in emotionally to really care how it all went.

Ah well. I would not see this movie if others like it (Blair Witch Project, and Borne Identity) made you ill from the camera work. If you expect a lot of action and humor, this is not your flick.

Wedding Registry Prank

2008-10-20T19:11:00.001-05:00

http://www.ok.co.uk/worldinaction/view/4267/40-toasters-for-the-happy-couple/

Very funny story!

Vanity or VIP for your wedding day?

2008-10-16T15:57:00.004-05:00

Are you hiring a professional make up artist for your wedding day? Are you doing a trial run of your hair style with a professional to try out a lot of options? Are you getting a manicure and pedicure a few days before your wedding?

If you answered "yes", you are in the great majority. Indeed, at least some of the pampering above is so taken for granted that when I was talking with someone who is a high regarded marriage educator, who knows thousands of high powered people, talks to journalists all day long, she mocked, among other things, the bride who got a professional make up artist at the wedding she went to recently (she hadn't been to a wedding in many years.)

It brought me up short! I mean sure, I can argue the typical logic about how weddings are so expensive these days, it's such a waste, about how if "people only spent a tenth of the time on their marriage as they do on the wedding...." But, even I felt defensive for my decision to have a professional make up artist! I have written about whether you should splurge, and mention my own "need" for this type of splurge. My real weakness was not being disorganized, or procrastinating, or having troubles deciding vendors, it was FEAR OF LOOKING GOOD! I knew that having a professional "do their thing" would give me great confidence up to and through my wedding. (I was right.) My wedding nightmares were all about showing up in my 4th grade, dark brown prairie dress my mom made for our Oklahoma "boomers and sooners" mock land run.

I will try to dig up two photos that will shock you. One is the day after my wedding at the post-wedding brunch. The other is my wedding day. You would be shocked that my hair could do what it did and you'd be amazed how different I look. My dad kept saying, "this is a real plus for women like you who never wear make up! When you DO wear make up you look SO different and it really stands out!" I think many women who wear make up daily might argue they'd rather look good EVERY day, not just on their wedding day. ;-)

The first manicure and pedicure of my life was for my wedding. I could not stop staring at my glorious nails for the entire two week honeymoon! I was enraptured with how great my hands looked. I have since had quite a few and get one at least once a year for a big conference.

So the question is whether weddings bring out the dark, evil vanity of us, or are weddings becoming more and more of a VIP event where this is your one chance to shine with all your glory and there is nothing to hold you back. We have even gotten to the point where you'll even ask your bridesmaids to use Botox, as the New York Times wrote about this summer, instigating massive message board postings on whether it is appropriate or horryfing to ask others to alter their bodies for your big day.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

It is fine to want to enhance your appearance. Women do it every time they go to the hair salon to get a 'cut and style.' Women do it every time they either get a new prescription for contacts, or shop for new, stylish glasses. They do it when they buy make up, buy clothes, shoes, skin creams, eat right and excersize. But when does it cross the line to being a crazy bride?

Perhaps one way you have gone over the line is if you would not do ____ if you weren't having a wedding. Or if you have to spend a lot of time justifying the cost or procedure/product to yourself and your fiance. Or if you do the "ask 10 people on the street" test and you get a majority response of shock and horror at your idea. Or if you are afraid of telling a dear friend what you are planning on doing because you know they will disapprove of you. (Being afraid of their response shows a lack of confidence on your part, and demonstrates the respect you hold for that persons opinion.)

The two "wildest" things I did in response to my wedding vanity was to get contacts for the first time ever, and to get a facial and buy all the products to improve my skin for the wedding day. I could have done both without getting married and nobody would have thought twice. The contacts were ultimately justified as both wanting to be more timeless on my wedding day (glasses are always dating and I had this irrational desire to have a timeless wedding album) and because it seemed like most adults have contacts and why not give it a try. I hate being sweaty with glasses, and I couldn't be in the sun as easily because I didn't have RX sun glasses. Turns out I had fun with contacts on a daily basis - it inspired me to wear make up more because without glasses my eyes "popped more." I went back to glasses pretty quickly but still don't regret the contacts.

The skin products were great and produced a lovely inside joke with my husband about being a "planty lady", using the Aveda products. It really did clear up my skin and I spent a winter with soft facial skin and not feeling the normal itching, burning cracking of my skin in the winter. But, as usual with everything I try new I also stopped using it and went back to my normal, neglectful, non-vanity self.

So picture the worst case scenario - your groom ditches you or dies before the big day. Are your "vanity plans" well reasoned enough that you'd still pursue the...Botox, or plastic surgery, or other more extreme and costly procedures, even if the wedding wasn't going to happen?

Politics and your marriage

2008-10-15T19:36:00.004-05:00

This election season has brought a whole new group of engaged and newly married couples into the wild world of their political opinions and the opinions, and actions, of their in-laws. Ah, the fun!

We have two wedding principles that apply well to politics. The first is, "when there is conflict, blood talks to blood." If your (future) in-law sends you crazy emails about the politican you are voting for, the best tactic is to make your fiance/spouse deal with them.

However, another wedding principle may also come into play: "your parents and inlaws are like the weather. Focus on the decisions to be made, not on their attitudes or feelings."

In other words, you have no control over anyone but yourself. You can try to control what comes into your INBOX, via your partner telling their parents (in person or by phone, please, not by email). Your fiance can even tell his parents that you will be ignoring all emails until after the election. If you must. But at some point, is it REALLY worth creating world war three in the family over who gets voted the next President of the United States??? Really? I didn't think so.

If you are really luck your in-laws are as in love with your candidate as you are and it can help bond your relationship!

Good luck! :-)

What is marriage, anyway?

2008-10-12T15:11:00.004-05:00

I've been reflecting a lot as I dig more into the marriage counseling website affiliated with The First Dance, about what it takes to be married and if things get tough, what the solutions are.

There are so many "theories" on relationships, how and why they work and how to fix them when they break. I have never gone to a counselor myself, other than growing up with a counselor father and reaping the rewards of that father/daughter relationship. But I do wonder how we all see ourselves, our relationships and how we view the world as it relates to who we are and why we get married.

Whenever I get together with certain old friends, I always leave feeling a bit hollow inside in the way they talk about their marriages/husbands. Invariably I come home to my own husband and we process the way they talk about their spouses and how that makes me feel depressed inside! But then my husband and I talk about how we all come into a relationship with our own emotional baggage, our own notions of what a wife/husband is and what a marriage looks like. If your model is not a great marriage, or a selfish parent in a bad marriage, it's no wonder we can get confused as we grow up.

And from where I sit with The First Dance, I feel defensive for all of you who do not want to be talked down to, treated like you are clueless as you plan your wedding. If you want premarital help it's because you recognize that marriage is hard work and you'd appreciate some tips and tricks. It seems that our generation (Gen X and Gen Y) are in a completely different place than our parents generation when it comes to male-female relationships and to our own marriages.

Perhaps I'm just thinking about how complex life is, how complex marriage is, and what tools couples should have before entering into a marriage-bound relationship. Once you are engaged, my feeling is that you were smart enough to recognize in yourself and your partner that this was a match worth fighting for and worth spending the rest of your lives for. The question then, I guess, is if things get tough, as they always do, how do we as a society help support your marriage? How do we hold up your vulnerability and show you the strength underneath rather than tear your commitment down, devolving into "I just deserve to be happy" or, "life is too short" mentality.

My husband and I just celebrated our FIVE year wedding anniversary. If you would have said half of the things that have happened to us 5 years ago I would have been horrified, shocked, and scared to death. We have had extreme career changes, mental health issues, mortality issues (a few horrendous medical crisis'), two children, chronic health problems from a pregnancy... and that's just to name the biggies. I have experienced the lowest points of my entire live through all that and been on the brink of complete hopelessness.

I've experienced points where I could see the exit ramps that others might have chosen to take. Life is tough, stressful, and it seems like giving up is the easy way out. But when you stop and really think about it, you are not remotely perfect. You are annoying, you stress out your partner, bad things that happen to you also greatly impact your spouse, and yet she or he sticks by your side. You may resent something that happens to you or to your spouse or to your lives together. But it should be a humbling reminder that if you can share in "this sucks", whatever "this" is, then you have accomplished a huge task of married life - commitment. Wouldn't you rather ride the next roller coaster with a comforting, familiar face? With the person who has said in words or actions, through the good and bad, I'm by your side?

I feel the tension in our society between me saying "divorce is not an option for me" and the "oh, Elizabeth, you are SO naive." It's as if by saying you are in this forever, you are denying that "people change and grow apart", or denying that you may have married "the wrong person." While there are certaintly relationships that come to a shocking, unilateral end, for the vast majority of us it's never that simple. The longer I am married, the more I am in awe, humble awe, that each of us is very imperfect and by recognizing that, we can see our spouses in a new, respectful light. We can see our parents marriages in a new light. We can see our friends who seem to have high conflict "bad marriages" in a new light. It's the dance back and forth in a marriage that takes work - compromise, communication, humility, that ultimately pays off with intense security, happiness, contentment, and a stability that no matter WHAT is slung your way next (massive car accident, disability, heart attack, job loss), you are with the person who will be at your side.

It's a pretty funny thing to try to plan the PERFECT wedding when entering a completely imperfect relationship, called marriage. As if in "real life" you ever have to agree on a color theme, or ever have to spend hours upon hours figuring out which flowers best respresent your couplehood, or what invitations best fit the "tone" of your relationship. Those can be fun excersizes, but more often than not, they get in the way and cause people to doubt their relationship ("how can we get married if we are fighting over something as stupid as the wedding invitations??") rather than doubt the cultural pressures placed on weddings today.

I would say The First Dance is only about 30% "done". I have a lot more in my head I need to get out! I think there is so much unsaid in our culture and so much untapped wisdom of real couples. I hope to get more of that out in the coming months.

-Elizabeth

When Bad Things Happen - Honoring 9/11

2008-09-11T14:09:00.002-05:00

As we remember 7 years ago when our nation was forever changed, anyone who was getting married just after, or attending a wedding, or lost a friend or loved one, will never forget the added burden of not knowing how to respond or what to do.

It really challenged everyone as to the purpose of a wedding. Is it to celebrate your marriage with your family and friends? And if they can't travel, should you go ahead anyway because you put money down on the day and you don't want to reschedule? Is it morbid and wrong to celebrate with a wedding when people have died? Perhaps wedding party members, siblings, friends, parents died and your wedding was close to the date.

Everyone had to make their own decisions. Some couples postponed, some went on and used the wedding as a way to honor those we lost on that awful day.

It is always important to keep in mind what your goal of your wedding is and whether your decisions throughout honor your values. There are often no "right" and "wrong" answers.

Bad Wedding Advice

2008-09-10T09:56:00.004-05:00

One reason The First Dance exists is because of the horrible wedding advice out there. If the advice were good, I would have never gone to my marriage counselor father to ask his opinion on the wedding wisdom out there. I would have never thought about all the issues couples face and how the advice in bridal land is often so pathetic! It is either not helpful or actually damaging.

So I will be flushing out more of what this "bad advice" is soon but here are two very common examples of bad advice:

1 - If your parents are bitterly divorced and never or rarely talk with each other, and you are worried about this for your wedding, they are NOT going to "behave" or "get along" if you simploy ask them or "remind them" this is "your big day." The reality is if they are capable of getting along and behaving well, they would have done so for holidays, for your birthdays, graduations, etc. This advice to "sit your parents down and explain this is your big day and you want them to get along" sounds nice but is just not the way the world operates! It can also lead to the false sense of control that you, the bride or groom, really have over others. And it can offend your parents who believe they ARE well behaved and offended you think so little of them.

2 - If your bridesmaid or maid of honor is being difficult, say, procrastinating or not getting back to you, the bad advice out there revolves around the trickiness of maintaining some sense of control while acknowledging the person can't BE controlled. There are ways to deal with someone that give you control back without giving them all the power over your plans and emotions. Wedding bridal party wisdom is flushed out in our book and website and you can read two chapters of our book, Take Back Your Wedding.

Florida Premarital Counseling | Florida Marriage License Info

2008-09-08T14:04:00.005-05:00

Did you know you can get a Florida marriage license reduction if you take 4 hours of premarital counseling?

Some of the "exciting" details for you.
Summary: The fee is reduced by $32.50 (from $88.50 to $56) if a couple completes a 4-hour premarital course given by a provider registered with the Clerk of Circuit Court.

741.0305 Marriage fee reduction for completion of premarital preparation course.--
(1) A man and a woman who intend to apply for a marriage license under s. 741.04 may, together or separately, complete a premarital preparation course of not less than 4 hours. Each individual shall verify completion of the course by filing with the application a valid certificate of completion from the course provider, which certificate shall specify whether the course was completed by personal instruction, videotape instruction, instruction via other electronic medium, or a combination of those methods. All individuals who complete a premarital preparation course pursuant to this section must be issued a certificate of completion at the conclusion of the course by their course provider. Upon furnishing such certificate when applying for a marriage license, the individuals shall have their marriage license fee reduced by $32.50.
(2) The premarital preparation course may include instruction regarding:
(a) Conflict management.
(b) Communication skills.
(c) Financial responsibilities.
(d) Children and parenting responsibilities.
(e) Data compiled from available information relating to problems reported by married couples who seek marital or individual counseling.
(3)(a) All individuals electing to participate in a premarital preparation course shall choose from the following list of qualified instructors:
1. A psychologist licensed under chapter 490.
2. A clinical social worker licensed under chapter 491.
3. A marriage and family therapist licensed under chapter 491.
www.healthymarriageinfo.org Page 4 9/4/2007
4. A mental health counselor licensed under chapter 491.
5. An official representative of a religious institution which is recognized under s. 496.404(19), if the representative has relevant training.
6. Any other provider designated by a judicial circuit, including, but not limited to, school counselors who are certified to offer such courses. Each judicial circuit may establish a roster of area course providers, including those who offer the course on a sliding fee scale or for free.
(b) The costs of such premarital preparation course shall be paid by the applicant.
(4) Each premarital preparation course provider shall furnish each participant who completes the course with a certificate of completion specifying the name of the participant and the date of completion and whether the course was conducted by personal instruction, videotape instruction, or instruction via other electronic medium, or by a combination of these methods.
(5) All area course providers shall register with the clerk of the circuit court by filing an affidavit in writing attesting to the provider's compliance with the premarital preparation course requirements as set forth in this section and including the course instructor's name and qualifications, including the license number, if any, or, if an official representative of a religious institution, a statement as to relevant training.

Minnesota Premartial Counseling | Minnesota Marriage License Information

2008-09-07T09:02:00.004-05:00

If you are in Minnesota you may know about the reduced marriage license fee if you take 12 hours of premarital counseling. As the fees go up each year, the rate stays at $30 if you complete those 12 hours.

So what's involved? Here is the legal verbage for the MN marriage license fee reduction - how to get it, what you need to have filled out. A summary of what is included:

(b) The marriage license fee for parties who have completed at least 12 hours of premarital education is $30. In order to qualify for the reduced fee, the parties must submit a signed and dated statement from the person who provided the premarital education confirming that it was received. The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under section 517.18, or a person authorized to practice marriage and family therapy under section 148B.33. The education must include the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills.(c) The statement from the person who provided the premarital education under paragraph (b) must be in the following form:"I, (name of educator), confirm that (names of both parties) received at least 12 hours of premarital education that included the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills. I am a licensed or ordained minister, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under Minnesota Statutes, section 517.18, or a person licensed to practice marriage and family therapy under Minnesota Statutes, section 148B.33."The names of the parties in the educator's statement must be identical to the legal names of the parties as they appear in the marriage license application. Notwithstanding section 138.17, the educator's statement must be retained for seven years, after which time it may be destroyed.

What do YOU think?

2008-09-02T09:30:00.003-05:00

Since the announcement of Sarah Palin as John McCain's vice-presidentical candidate, many "marriage" type issues have been flying everywhere in the homes, message boards, blogs, and newspapers. No matter how you will vote, the issues are ones we all face. Do YOU know how you feel? Do you know how your spouse-to-be feels? Some great questions that have come out.

Sarah Palin went back to work 3 days post partem with a special needs baby. (Not sure if her husband was home though he was a full time worker.) Do you believe in you have a public-servant job as she does as Governor of Alaska that she did the right thing by serving her state? Or do you believe she should have been home with her baby for longer? Do you have an idea of how long you think a baby should be with a parent and are you willing to deal with the financial issues around taking time off work?

Sarah Palin has taken an intense job that for 2 months will leave her away from home and then, if she gets the job, she will be across the country and very busy. What do you and your fiance feel about high power jobs and kids? Sarah's husband is now a stay at home dad. Are either or both of you up for a time consuming career? Do you feel you both have a right to work hard or do you feel the kids need someone home? What if one of you wants a career change in a few years - will the other support that whether it means a pay decrease or a pay increase attached to a dramatic increase in work hours?

The reality is we just can not predict the future. Three years ago I would never have predicted where I would be today or where my husband would be. We were making great money, both in Corporate America. I've since been home with my son (and now daughter), working on this website and a therapy website, while my husband went back to school to do marriage counseling. That is a low paying job until you can build your practice, which takes 2-4 years. Talk about not getting what you signed up for when you got married! His well paying job went down to 0 and will eventually build to about 30% of what he made and eventually get close to 70-80% of what he used to make. But as his spouse, he was miserable in his last job and he absolutely needed this new career. He is more content than he has been in a long time. And I know first hand money does not make happiness so there was no question I would support him all along the way. But it means we have a radically different lifestyle.

So to prepare for your wedding you are likely also thinking about how your future goals impact todays decisions on how much to spend on your wedding, travel, on job choices, on buying a house, on where you live?

Classic and Timeless vs Unique and Trendy?

2008-08-28T15:04:00.004-05:00

I do not see a lot of discussion on what I consider an important wedding planning topic. At what point does a wedding go from "unique" to meaningless? Or from trendy to laughable (not at the moment, but in a few years.) How much should you strive for specialness, potentially making your wedding quite meaningless for guests? How much should you follow tradition - allowing guests to relate to your wedding as it reminds them of their own?

What is the goal of your wedding? Is it to "represent your couplehood?" Is it to celebrate the beginning of your marriage? Is it to share the journey countless relatives have taken before you or to mark your wedding as a hallmark "you" moment?

I remember one bride wanted hockey pucks for favors. Her mother was flipping out and the bride didn't understand why. I think this is actually one of the best examples of "uniquely you" going too far. Why? Well for starters, how many guests actually play hockey? Two, of that small minority, how many really want another hockey puck? It feels like giving your friends your favorite perfume when most don't wear perfume and those who do really don't want YOUR favorite.

My husband and I had many conversations about this topic. We strove for a classic, timelessness while at the same time marking the event as ours through our live music choice (live jazz band but also church members), our unique wedding invitations, and a very unique wedding reception set of moments... where we collected marital wisdom from our guests and where we also invited everyone to stand up based on "who they were" - family on husbands side, my family, college friends, guests by state. It was fun and did not detract from a standard wedding reception but really enhanced the sense of community.

I don't think there is any right or wrong. I just think it's important to always ask yourself once or twice whether your latest wedding planning idea is something only YOU would find meaningful, or whether it's something that lets your guests feel a part of your day.

Learn more about what we're up to at our premarital counseling and wedding relationships website, The First Dance.

Premarital Counseling

2008-08-22T15:16:00.003-05:00

One of the unexpected joys of what we're building at The First Dance is the best listing of premarital counselinrs in the nation. It is hard to find premarital counselor listings in the wedding industry because ad rates are so expensive, premarital counselors can't afford to market themselves!

I didn't know where to go so I asked my dad when I got engaged. My husband and I took what is now an online, very affordable test, The Couple Checkup. It gives you some interesting comparisons of your background, values, strengths and areas of growth opportunity (not weaknesses!)

The way I see it nothing bad comes of premarital counseling and a lot of good can come of it! Some premarital counselors have their agenda set from years of experience working with couples. Some others are open to conversation and giving you resources and having conversations based on what you are interested in working on. We exist because generally premarital counseling doesn't talk about the wedding or family drama - consider our book, Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning another form of premarital counseling! My dad has had many engaged couples thank him for some of his marriage books. He has a unique, freshing, down to earth way of sharing wisdom.

Welcome Singapore couples!

2008-08-20T08:57:00.002-05:00

My father, Bill Doherty, was just in Singapore for a variety of talks on marriage, parenting, and yes, WEDDINGS! He learned a lot and we've shared our book with a lot of Singapore couples and educators. I'm excited to learn the unique cultural issues Singapore couples face and try to incorporate that into The First Dance.

My website keeps changing almost daily as I try to fit ALL the information still in my head onto the website. I want to organize it in ways that make sense and ensure the advice isn't lost. No other wedding website is trying to accomplish our mission so I don't have another template to see - they're mostly ads or organized by the logistics; jewerly, dress, cake, photography, etc.

I enjoyed writing one of my latest pieces on whether to INVITE CHILDREN to the wedding or not and what to do if you're in the beginning, middle or end of wedding planning and this issue is rearing its ugly head. I also wrote a few snarky Top Ten Ways to Increase Wedding Stress, on my homepage.

Again, welcome new Singapore couples! I welcome your emailed questions - blog at thefirstdance.com

My Stressful Wedding Registry Experience

2008-08-17T15:26:00.004-05:00

To the "Silly arguments in wedding planning" theme, I will share my rather miserable experience in what should have been a fun evening of zapping things to our hearts content.

The back story is my husbands grandfather was in school to become a chef when he was drafted in WW2. He lucked out being able to be a cook in the Navy and there he built his cooking skills as well as kitchen management skills. When the war ended he became a restaurant supply manager and restaurant manager. This means he KNEW ABOUT KITCHENS... he knew about kitchen gear, and he raised his daughter, my mother-in-law, to be very knowledgeable. She passed this knowledge on to my husband. I affectionately call them "kitchen snobs."

So while most women have pretty broad freedom to registry for anything they want because more women cook then men, or because some men just don't care even if they DO cook, I thought, naively, this would be a fun time registering for "stuff." It wasn't.

My husband and I have grown together, as all couples do, but one way that we were very different was in spontaneity. Like, hey this widget is only $5, I'm going to get it! My husband doesn't care how cheap or expensive something is. He's a very thoughtful person and automatically thinks through purchases to the point he rarely buys anything unnecessary on a whim. You can probably see where this is heading....

The myth out there is you go to a department store and have fun with the zapping gun, finding stuff you want, you need and then some fun stuff that your guests may enjoy buying for you. But if you are lucky enough to marry someone like my husband, there will be NO unnecessary zapping! He had excel spreadsheets for every room of the house, he researched, talked with his mom, we spend time thinking through our desired future lifestyle. We talked about our families and who might buy what. My family is not a Fine China family and his is - so if I had married someone differently I don't think I'd own fine china.

My husband never controlled my opinions and in fact by educating me I had more choices then I knew existed. Those fancy pans we got have two main brands. One brand is way heavier than another so he had me lift both to determine if I liked one over the other because there was a price difference. He didn't care which ones we got and wanted me to be part of the decision. (By the way, COPPER is the best pan but few people, especially my husband and me, want to maintain the metal!)

I remember asking him at one point whether it was FOOLISH to be registering for all this nice stuff since we didn't even use our crappy stuff! He said yes, that weddings are the one time you get this stuff and that we WILL use it all some day. (He was right.)

But let me tell you, trying to convince my mom we need some $50 roasting pan when her $10 worked just fine was not easy. My mom grew up on a farm and is very practical. She (nor I) know much about kitchen equipment nor do we generally put much thought into it. So there I was trying to remember why this stuff was worth the money to my mom who spent HER entire life cooking for big and small dinner parties, and never needed nor used half the stuff we were registered for.

I have a dear friend whose husband is the same way as mine so I know I'm not alone! I did get a few Registry items by fighting to zap them. One of them we didn't end up getting but the other is now the worlds greatest popcorn maker - a Whirley-Pop Stovetop Popcorn Popper. We absolutely love it and will never go back to our air popcorn maker. (Hint: use a LOT less salt and seasoning on the oil popcorn because it sticks much better. We had quite the salty first round of popcorn!)

But lest you think my husband was a killjoy, we never use the napkin rings I insisted on getting, rarely use the place mats I wanted, and I have now adopted his philosophy of extreme thoughtfulness before getting even the silliest of things. Anytime I veer off it's rarely a successful purchase. I can now go to a store, "feel" myself getting pulled into some fabulous deal, 75% off! 90% off! And still say "no". Perhaps it's only because I can see my husband rolls his eyes at what I could bring home, but I think it's because I never regret nor miss any of those amazing deals I've passed up over the years.

I had no idea even the wedding registry could teach you about marriage. What felt like the most consumerist aspect of a wedding turns out to be great conversation fodder for your married life.

Check out our book, or website: www.thefirstdance.com for more musings on wedding planning and relationships!

Bride and Groom, Parents - Wedding Planning Fights

2008-07-30T17:03:00.003-05:00

Few if any of us get through wedding planning without a SILLY FIGHT. There are real discussions and negotiations to have, but then there are just plain silly fights.

I was remembering the other day one of ours. My husband and I were working through the logistical side of marriage, combining bank accounts, all that "fun stuff". He wanted to keep his bank account with a different bank company and I wanted my bank and my account. Mind you, this had nothing to do with "my money vs his money." We both believe that marriage means everything is "ours", not his or mine. That is at least a viable argument and discussion to have since some couples do feel like it's best to have his, hers, and ours. Nope, that wasn't why we were fighting.

He grocery shopped at a place that housed his bank which was one of his big arguments AND he also didn't mind paying an ATM fee to get cash. The gas station I always went to housed MY bank and I refuse to pay money to get my own money out of my bank account. Ah, the joys of marriage. :-)

So, not gaining any ground, I went down a bad path... a bad argument that I knew was bad, but I entered it anyway. I tried a trump card that is downright silly. "But, I feel like I'm already losing my identity changing my name, I deserve to at LEAST keep my bank account that I've had since I was 10!"

This was silly because I was adamant about changing my name. He was even open to changing his last name (but is the last male with the name and didn't want to end the family tree.) I wanted family unity with a shared name. So my name change had NOTHING to do with whose bank we use.

It's also silly to say getting married somehow makes me lose my identity and any internal turmoil I was having should translate into getting what I want - even if what I wanted had no rational basis.

In the end we stayed with my bank but not because I made threats or claimed using his bank would be bad for my personal identity. Those arguments really detracted from the real discussion and took us for an extra "joy ride" of fighting.

Ultimately we are both ATM cash-users, we both get gas at the same gas station company that gets us free ATM use, and we were moving into a house where we wouldn't be shopping at the grocery store that housed his bank. In the end, knowing that my bank was REALLY important to me, knowing we would save money not paying ATM fees, it was a fairly easy decision... it just wasn't as important to him and there was no reason to spend more for something less valued.

But there we go. One of many fights. I'll blog next time about our HORRENDOUS wedding registry experience. It was miserable and a great example of everything we talk about at The First Dance - managing the couple dynamics of wedding planning, of our families, our expectations, and how we view our new lives and the wedding itself.

Share your stories with us of silly wedding fights on our website.

Top ways to increase your wedding planning stress

2008-07-25T22:20:00.004-05:00

Wondering how to make wedding planning more stressful? There is plenty (including on our wedding relationships website) on how to REDUCE the stress but there isn't a lot on how to INCREASE it! Send this snarky blog to your friends in wedding land.

Here is a short sampling of ways you can ensure more wedding stress, fights, and strained relationships throughout your wedding planning adventures.

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

#7 - Pick your wedding party really quickly, without any thought to their personality, to their life phase right now, or to their financial and job situation. It's also a great idea to not ask what your in-laws expect out of family being in the wedding party to maximum full family drama and stress

#6 - If a loved one disagrees with you, complain loudly that this is YOUR day and then complain loudly and frequently to everyone who will listen. It's best to give maximum mental and emotional energy to every tiny disagreement, even if it really doesn't matter to you if the other person wants something more than you

#5 - Be sure to hold back all your stress until you finally go on a date night with your spouse-to-be. Wait til the dinner is served and then rip into your family, your future-inlaws, and make the entire date turn into a huge wedding stress vent

#4 - Make sure you don't talk with your spouse-to-be before meeting with vendors to clarify what your values, wants and needs are so you get pulled into their sales pitch and agree to the most expensive package they offer. Who needs a wedding budget??

#3 - Use "I" statements with difficult people. They'll love being called a brat, impossible, insensitive, or rude, as long as you say "I feel you are a brat"

#2 - Be sure, brides, to encourage your fiance to share his wedding opinions but then be sure to shut him down or complain about how incompetent he is, or how much he's procrastinating, or how he just "doesn't understand weddings"

#1 - Make sure this wedding is ALL ABOUT YOU, even if it means creating family cut-offs, screaming at your in-laws, ruining your relationship with your spouse-to-be, or threatening your parents or in-laws that they will never get to see their future grandchildren

Wedding Readings - Share and win our wedding relationship book!

2008-07-14T22:54:00.002-05:00

OK I've assembled unique wedding readings and others have shared theirs. Share some wedding readings you have stumbled up and really like and I'll give a few random people our book, Take Back Your Wedding, free! No strings attached, no entering a mad spam-world with email.

check out my wedding readings page and let me know what you think. :)

Wedding Readings

Bachelorette season finale

2008-07-13T19:04:00.004-05:00

I can't often watch TV, read a magazine article or website article about wedding planning without groaning.

Take the Bachelorette season finale... spoiler alert:

Did you notice she said both "I have a huge family that I want at my wedding" and pretty quickly when asked about a wedding said a date AND location (in the Bahamas.)

We have a few wedding principles here that she broke. Honestly you could see her dad in a state of shock! His parents laughed nervously and said, "we'll be there!"

Principle: Make decisions tentatively until you know the reaction from that idea. This doesn't mean you always listen to others opinions, but it's certaintly easier for you AND your parents if you say, "we are thinking of getting married in the Bahamas, maybe in May... do you think that will work for everyone?" Rather than "announce it." This leaves parents no room to disagree or bring up "yeah, but" comments without putting you on the defensive or making you upset.

Principle: It's your day, but it's not only your day! Seriously, you'd think the world revolved around her and yet she *talks* about how important family is. Has she given any thought, in her engagement bliss, about the reality of the entire family having to fly to the Bahamas? The expense? The date? What if people are graduating, or have finals (May 9th) or just can't afford such an expensive trip? Again, this doesn't mean everyone else gets to dictate your wedding, but it's certaintly a big deal to have a destination wedding, especially with a large family. It's a much smarter idea to figure out of this will be more painful than pleasurable to everyone involved. You can go there for your honeymoon or anniversary. Do you REALLY need to invite everyone on an expensive flight, expensive hotel, to somewhere special only to the two of you?

And I know the Bachelorette is weird and secretive, but it was a bad idea for her to announce any wedding plans when their families had *just* learned they were engaged. Talk about no time to get to know the other family. It can make parents and siblings really nervous when such a monumental shift in the family is happening, live, on national TV with rapid fire speed and a wedding date and location already set.

________________________
- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Visit The First Dance for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

So much untapped talent in wedding land

2008-07-10T23:48:00.004-05:00

I'm starting the arduous task of building advertising on our website so we can continue to build our wedding relationship website. I am an internet bride and I know what I like and don't like. I am thrilled to be finding very unique businesses that get hidden away in "special category" pages in some random city or state page. The reality is advertising is prohibitively expensive for many in the wedding industry. This is really bad news for you, trying to have as many wedding planning choices at your disposal. One tiny ad on theknot.com can be $120-$150 per month. And that gives you one little listing in one little category in one city of one state. As a knottie I know many of us do not visit those vendor listings! But they bill themselves as 3 million visitors a month (nevermind only 2.1 million weddings happen a YEAR).

But the reality is there are more options than you realize. It's a question of where to find these unique people or websites or products? Like us - we were boosted by winning a Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter award, and getting some great publicity, but ultimately where do we break from being "yet another wedding directory website."

Well, I'm proud to say we're the only purely wedding relationship website out there. I'm proud that our advice is the only one that comes from a deep understanding of couples and families and the ugly reality of "family life." All the communication skills in the world won't help with crazy Uncle Bob. You can't tell him he's crazy and therefor not invited to the wedding. He doesn't think he's crazy, he'll go to his sibling (your mom or dad), and grandparents, and create world war 3 in your family. So what do you do? There are options - we help you sort through that sort of thing on our website and in our wedding relationship book. Visit our website often - there is so, so much more to share.

Most advice out there is the same old, same old. It just doesn't come from a grounded reality, from a sense that your wedding is the beginning of your *marriage*, and in MARRIAGE, life is yucky, your relationship isn't just a private affair, and sometimes it's better to let things go than create more drama in the name of "this is my day, my way!"

There is a lot of passion out there of people wanting to offer their talents, products, or services to engaged couples. And the wedding industry is set up in such a way that it's nearly impossible for start-ups to get in the door. (Especially of web-based, national small businesses.) That leaves us with the same old, same old vendors in the same websites, same magazines and same print directories. Those vendors are probably awesome - but at some point there is only 52 weekends a year and only so many weddings you can book. The "free listings" for wedding vendors is a bit of a rouse - those want to get the traffic going so they can sell expensive ads around the free ads. This of course leads to a cluttery mess and information overload.

Nobody is trying to screw over anyone. It's just the nature of it. When aunts and uncles and moms and dads stopped having the backyard wedding, with homemade wedding cake, near potluck quality food, flowers from the garden and simple wedding invitations - things got more fun, more expensive and more intense! Too bad there are a lot of losers in the equation.

Georgia Brides - Free wedding coordinator help!

2008-07-08T00:06:00.003-05:00

Register to win a FREE GIFT CERTIFICATE to wedding event planner extraordinaire.

www.TheFirstDance.com/premaritalcounselinggeorgia.php for the banner and drawing registration.

Wedding Readings | Wedding Reading Ideas

2008-07-06T22:49:00.003-05:00

If you are not getting wedding readings through your officiant or place of worship then you are in the unlucky situation of trying to find wedding readings. This can be very tricky, especially if you have a low threshhold for sparmy poetry or your views of romance do not involve waxing poetic in a 19th century voice. You may also have a unique wedding and feel stuck with very UNunique wedding reading options.

My brother pointed out when he got married that most wedding readings fall into two categories:

Wedding Readings about How Single Life Sucks
or
Wedding Readings about How You Can Not Understand Marriage Until You've Been Married 40 Years

When he said this, I had to laugh! Indeed, the readings are about the horrible storms of life and how it's so miserable to be alone...a solitary soul in this vast, miserable world. Or the readings talk about the stupid, naive, innocent, fresh young love of a newlywed and only those older, wiser married couples can truly understand what love is.

So here's your homework... help me find wedding readings that you like!

If this is too smarmy for you:

HOW DO I LOVE THEE~ By Elizabeth Barrett Browning ~

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

and this is too overused:

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8a

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.

Then email us and let us know what you like. We'll share it with others on our wedding readings page.

- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Visit The First Dance for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

Bad wedding advice...

2008-06-28T00:26:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to say I knew advice was bad, having been a knottie through my wedding planning. But I recently ran into someone who, a few years ago, when theknot.com gave personalized answers to wedding problems, was hired, as a 22 year old, never married, no experience at all dealing with weddings, to answer the questions. Yes, she would basically repeat over and over to brides, "it's your day, do what you want."

AH!

You deserve better treatment. And that answer rarely actually helps people and more often hurts them because it reinforces a very wrong notion - a notion that you are able to invite about 175 of your closet friends and family, have the day exclusively about you, but then hope they enjoy themselves and are happy for you.... which means THEY have to be happy which means YOU have to think about THEM. :-) I was listening to a wedding podcast cracking up at the wedding coordinators going on and on with their pet peeves being in the industry. They are at the whim of "your day, your way" even if they know your idea is awful, disgusting (chocolate fountains where sick guests double dip), or is not very hospitable to guests (not feeding or hydrating them properly.)

So as our name goes, getting to The First Dance takes a lot of juggling of values, people, relationships, wallets, and details!

The myth of cohabitation: living together before marriage

2008-06-19T21:02:00.004-05:00

I just heard on a radio show something you hear often, from everyone... from parents of adult kids, from friends, coworkers, movies, TV. It's so common you'd never know it's dead wrong! It is an argument that "just makes sense." It's so grounded in reality you would actually question NOT doing it... I heard it a lot when I was engaged and made a certain choice about not moving in with my fiance.

One crucial note about this blog: I'm mostly talking to the NON-ENGAGED couples.. those who haven't yet committed and had the serious conversations about finalizing their decision on spending the rest of their lvies together by becoming engaged.

Living together before marriage. Specifically while dating someone, moving in together with one main purpose of "testing" your relationship. The logic goes that it is important to make sure you are compatible before you commit the rest of your life with this person. After all, what if they snore, or are messy and you're a neat freak? And really, how can you really know someone unless you are living with them?

Now, if you're wondering where I'm going with this blog, I want to give a shout out to the liberal, non-religious people by saying I do not take a religious stance or a more "conservative" view of this topic. But I come to the same conclusions, just for very different reasons. It's too bad the only voice against living together is strickly the religious voice. Most young people don't go to church and it's actually the non-churched who are as likely, or more likely, to think it's a good idea and have social support.

I could bore you with the research. The following up of couples who lived together and what their future marriages holds is a grim reality. Those couples fare much worse than their counterparts who do not live together. But not just divorce is grim, even those who stayed married their happiness about their marriages is lower than their counterparts!!

WHAT GIVES, then? How on earth can you commit the rest of your life with someone who you have never lived with, hip to hip, day in, day out, sweaty armpits and all?

Obviously we are all special and unique. Or so the logic goes, right? YOU of course are marrying the love of your life. YOU are never getting divorced. YOU don't fit "statistics". YOU are an outlier in a scattogram of research data pointing towards clear trends of divorce and unhappiness.

And let's not even go into the harassment, the eye rolls, the "you are just SO STUPID and NAIVE" looks you get from friends, coworkers and others when you announce you are not shacking up. It takes strength, courage, and a lot of patience to deal with all that community baggage.

Here is my take on marriage and why this "living together before marriage is smart" stuff is totally bogus.

One, marriage is about having similar values and views of your future. You can fall in love with someone completely opposite from you in almost EVERY WAY, but if you have similar values and goals for your future, you should fare well. After all, the real stresses of life aren't about being a neat freak, cleaning up the beard shavings, or who does the laundry. The real stresses are about how you earn money, how you spend money, whether and when you want children, how you raise them, how much you save for retirement, how you relate to your families, how well you balance your sex life and parenthood roles with some level of independence and self-growth.

Two, marriage is about being committed. Through it all, you are committed to the marriage. Commitment is not something you 'test'. It is a choice you hold and then a choice you let go of because there is no alternative except perhaps in horrendous situations - your spouse murders someone, is violent, abusive, etc. But if you are in a committed relationship you will survive because while the rest of your world (physical or emotional world) falls apart, the one rock in your life is your commitment. It is the one constant, the one unwavering, unchanging element in a crazy, unpredictable world. Commitment doesn't care if you experience tremendous growth in your life while your partner is the same old person, change careers (for more or less money), gain or lose a lot of weight, develop a dibilitating illness, disability, or emotional problem.

Values, trust, admiration, respect, commitment. These are not things you build just living with someone. If that were the case we'd want to marry our roommates in college or when we enter the real world. You can hold those things dear for a best friend you have never lived, right? The difference is you aren't marrying your best friend. You are marrying someone you want to commit your entire life to. You work around the quirks of daily life because you are holding onto something much stronger and deeper than the petty annoyances that invariably happen when two people live under the same roof.

On a bit lighter note, if you have the confidence in your dating relationship, there is no need to "hurry it along" by living together. You are more likely to have those intense conversations while dating than while being hip-to-hip, falling asleep to the television. Why? Because you stop dating! And dating is where we get out of our daily routine and truly spend time, alone, having those conversations we don't have at breakfast about our values and deep seated notions of our future.

So hats off to those who chose to have fun dating and when the time is right, the wedding date is set, and commitments are made, still consider waiting til the wedding. Have fun spreading out, alone in your bed. Have fun doing anything you want in your own space. Enjoy the alone time. For when you get married, those times will quickly pass.

_____________________________________

For full disclosure my husband and I were engaged for 15 months. 5 months before the wedding my husbands apartment lease was up and we needed to get a house before the weather got cold. We couldn't afford my apartment rent and a house so we planned for me to move in with my parents (after 9 years living away) until the wedding. We both got a ton of crap for what others perceived as a foolish, naive, dumb choice. We bought a house and everything changed. Those who own property know how much that shifts your world. I had no idea and there was no way I could co-own a home and stay at my parents. So for 5 months we lived together, after being engaged for 10 months, dating for a year prior to that. And I still hold firm - living apart as long as you can before the wedding is something you'll never regret and if you're purposeful about it, will build your strength and character to withstand more social pressures coming your way post-wedding.

Fighting, communication and assessment of your couplehood

2008-06-19T10:15:00.004-05:00

I got an interesting comment from my last post. In case there is any doubt, my husband and I are "good" fighters - never raise our voice, very sincere, listen well to the other side, and generally are "good communicators" as demonstrated by The First Dance Couple Checkup, an online, inexpensive, research-based premarital inventory on our website. The point is that with all those skills you will STILL disagree, still have "fights" as a couple, and the question is how you handle the problem. In todays society it is easy to feel if you can keep at it, eventually you'll convince the other person they're wrong. Or worse, you start to reassess whether you married the right person because they aren't Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, afterall. It's called a consumer marriage and it's a disasterous mindset to have if you take it to an extreme.

If there is one thing I've learned over the years, "right and wrong" aren't words that should be used in a marriage (excluding obvious cases of physical or emotional violence.) The reality is would you rather be "right" or happy? For most couples who have been together a long time, being happy is better than being "right". Of course this all depends on the area you are disagreeing about. Generally those problems I talked about that are perpetual - you always procrastinate, you married a pack rat, your job makes you put in long hours but you love your career and don't want to leave... all those stressors will always be there and sometimes it's better to avoid the unending fights, or to at least TRY to see the other persons side. Your spouse doesn't want to be a pack rat but finds it extremely challenging to throw things away, or you were born late and have never been on time for anything in the 30 years you've been alive... you don't like it about yourself, but having a spouse yelling at you for it won't make it better!

It is often said money, sex, and children are the three biggest areas of struggle for couples. I have seen so many couples who are so mismatched in their values about money that I urge anyone reading this who is like that, to get a financial planner - someone who is "Free" and can help set the groundwork for your financial future. Or if that isn't likely, I was extremely impressed with the small part of a money game I played called Money Habitudes at a marriage conference. This is an easy card game but it is really surprisingly cool in helping you see how you view money without taking some boring quiz or having to think "too hard." I want to get this sold through my website or somehow help couples more on this vital topic.

The reality is there is no "one" right way to handle money. My husband and I both worked high paying corporate jobs, went out to eat almost every night, traveled and had a great time! We could not have predicted we would make major career changes (stay at home life then small business life and he's going into low paying counseling.) The reality is we're savers and have no debt even with 2 years of him making no money. We bought a small house that we love to give us more flexibility, we own smaller cars, we don't buy a lot of new clothes, etc. We could have never gone out to eat, never traveled and had a LOT more money saved up... but for us we couldn't imagine ruining our fun times, the memories we have, just so we had a bigger bank account. It is the delicate line between having fun and saving, between living for today and living for tomorrow. And every person and therefor every couple is going to have their own UNIQUE balance.... my hope is that you have balance as a couple in however that translates for you.

And an obvious first place to start is WEDDING PLANNING! Do you hold the view that this is the one day worth splurging on? Or the wedding is "only a day" and isn't worth going into debt for? Or the wedding is a massive family reunion and worth the time and money to bring everyone in your life together, even if it's expensive, because there will never be an opportunity to do it again? Or is a wedding a sacred family event and you don't feel a need to invite a lot of extra guests so you CAN have an elegant wedding and still not spend a lot?

What if your parents are paying? Does this have an impact on how you plan, how you spend, and where you place your values? My wedding was paid by my parents and was lower than the average for our state. My husband and I couldn't imagine doing more even though my parents "could have afforded more." We struck a balance between having nice wedding invitations, really nice music, a really good photographer and medicore food, the wedding cake tasted OK but looked pathetic (oh well...) and the table decorations weren't what we wanted but we gave free reign to others and again, oh well. We got OUR wish which was a certain "feel" to the reception... the artwork in the church basement, the lighting, the live jazz band, the great host job of my dad to bring all our guests into the reception with some unique moments (like getting the wisdom from married couples that they have learned but did not know on their wedding day.)

Fighting sucks...

2008-06-11T16:47:00.002-05:00

My husband and I just had a big fight the other day. We're not yellers and we're respectful of each other when we fight, but it still sucks. I find fighting often leads to the shocking realization that the other person has very complex emotions and views of things, just like you do. It is easy to take people at face value and not realize there is a LOT that goes unsaid - especially men who may want to be conflict avoiders or feel like it's better to be quiet then get attacked by their fiancee's or wives.

My husband and I don't fit a lot of the gender stereotypes and yet we find we get in some stereotypical fights! It's frustrating to realize that "roles" we play have an impact on our perspective about things, our experiences and how views.

If you weren't aware, John Gottman did some research and has really categorized two types of fighting that all couples go through. One kind CAN be ended... either with the right skills, or the scenario around the fight never happens again, or through therapy. The other kind of fighting is perpetual. There is NO answer, no end result, no way to "end" the fight. These are often where personalities clash - you're always early, your fiance(e) is always late... or you're a neat freak and you're marrying a total pack rat. Since we can't easily change our personalities there is going to be lifelong friction. But the fascinating thing is those fights do not have to mean you are not meant to be together. It's actually a question of HOW you go about fighting that bodes well or poorly for your marital happiness and longevity.

This last fight was about parenting (we have two small children.) Nothing got resolved, but we are able to sit on what was said, recognizing there are some inherent limitations we each hold and there is probably no real solution. So we'll do the marriage dance - give and take a little more now that some dirty laundry was aired, we'll try to be more patient with the other, try to change our own behaviors slightly, and ride the wave of what is possible.

Speaking of my husband, I'm going to try to get him involved in The First Dance more. He's very skitish about being involved in a "family business" but he has so much to say and has taught me SO MUCH about the male perspective! We shall see... :-)