Justifying a wedding (financially)

One of my passions is to "defend" a wedding against attacks of superficiality, materialism, or over-consumption. Why? Because I believe RITUALS are extremely powerful and we have almost none in America. A prom is probably the first ritual (or debutant ball if you're in the south.) High school and college graduations are rituals, and funerals are rituals. But notice most are very public for a mass of people, and then one is a last-minute, sad event where someone has to DIE for the event to happen.

So here we sit, my husband and I. We're on a new, slow ramp to more financial freedom after taking massive pay cuts to switch careers (more soul-fulfilling but not so good at bill-paying!) We're going to acquire a small pot of money from an estate sale and the question is what to do with the money.

Sometimes this is when your parents agree to put a chunk into your wedding. Or perhaps you're considering taking on a second job, or consulting gig, or dipping into savings, to help bring in more cash for your big day. No matter the situation, it is a very vulnerable thing to put a lot of money into ONE day, particularly when it's not a single object with great financial loan options (like with cars or homes.) In our situation, we're considering remodeling our basement (doing all the labor ourselves, which will save a lot of money.)

Some of the emotion is inside your head. "A basement remodel?" It sounds so silly compared to what we could spend our money on. We could all go to the dentist (no dental insurance), we could upgrade my car (small sedan and our tall kids legs are up against the front seats), on and on. But we spend 90% of our non-kid time (evenings and naptimes) in the basement and it would greatly improve not just our daily lives but our home value and family life as the kids get older.

In the case of a wedding, you hear all the comments. Flowers die in a day. The dress can only be worn once. Guests don't use the favors. A cake is eaten and gone. You're only in the limo for a short time.

On the flip side, every vendor has a sale pitch to counter any negative thoughts. Flowers/music/food set the entire TONE of the day. The dress is an icon of a wedding and can be passed on for generations. The music is what makes the experience enjoyable for guests.

Money. Such a frustrating, fascinating topic. We all have our patterns of how we spend or save, and we all have opinions on how OTHERS should spend or save! This is one reason we're happy to sell our Money Habitudes card game - a fantastic way to quickly, easily, and without feeling bad (or overly proud), figure out your own money motivations as well as your partners. Check it out and maybe get your friends to do the game, or your parents. I was surprised to learn how much money represents security and safety to me, because I'm sort of frugal, but not to the point of overly spending time on bargain hunting, or "DIY projects." Growing up babysitting, I was able to afford spending a summer in Europe on my $2/hour babysitting jobs, which just sat in the bank account!

How have YOU justified the money or are you having issues defending your decisions? Do comment!

The secret sauce of weddings

Here at The First Dance, we care deeply about relationships. This includes the married couples relationship, the connections with their parents, extended family, and friends. Weddings can require the diplomacy of a United Nations Summit, and yet our culture offers little in the way of real help beyond "it's your day, do what you want." This is why we created our website, book, classes, and this is what we love to tackle!

No matter how much or little you spend on your wedding, one of the biggest tragedies of a "great wedding" is something you can actually control (unlike impossibly controlling parents, jealous friends, or the weather.) It's called FLOW.

What do we mean by flow? Flow is when the entire experience is smooth and hospitable for everyone involved. It means people feel comfortable where they're supposed to be, knowing what is going on, and having things develop (food, toasts, music) in a logical, timely fashion. Many weddings lack flow because it requires managing every single aspect of the guest experience and how the event will unfold. Many large events other than weddings also live or die on "flow" which is probably one of many reasons event planners are hired by companies because the event can't risk being executed poorly.

This is where a wedding coordinator, event planner, or experienced friend can help out. Whether you're spending $5,000 or $100,000 on your big day, FLOW can be more important to the success or failure of how much fun guests have and how well all the pieces are put together.

Here is a very short list of flow in action. These are from the point of view of wedding guests. I have experienced a large number of these myself and you probably have too. Comment on other experiences you've had as a wedding guest!


• You are twenty minutes late to the ceremony because there was no map, or there was unpredicted road construction, or the map provided was so poor you got lost (thankfully the 3 minute ceremony was delayed because a set of grandparents was also completely lost....)

• You’re friends with BOTH the bride and groom and get flustered when the usher asks “which party” you belong to in order to figure out which side of the pews you should sit at?

• You get to the ceremony and have no idea where to park or what door to enter

• After the ceremony you and everyone around you has no idea if they’re supposed to stand up, wait for others to stand first, or have no idea where to go when you do stand up?

• Have you been pulled away to help with some task, leaving your date to sit or stand alone, because you are needed for something unexpected?

• Have you argued with your date about how much time you have to linger after the ceremony before getting to the reception because neither of you has a clue when it starts or how long it takes to get there?

• Ever been stressed out to race to get to the reception because you are afraid your group of 6 friends won’t be able to find a seat together if you hang out too long after the ceremony?

• Wondered what the bride and groom were thinking assigning you a table with people you had nothing in common with?

• Ever had to walk around 15-20 tables, trying not to bump into people with food in their hands, grumbling as you have to walk AROUND every table, trying to find your name?

• Ever been excited about who is at your table, only to sit down and not be able to see the people across from you because of the centerpieces? Then you realize no matter where you move the centerpiece, you’re blocking someone?

• Ever wonder when it’s safe to step away to the bathroom, or make a quick call, or get some fresh air away from the crowds, but are afraid you’re going to miss something important at the wedding reception?

Cruise for your marriage!

It is really fun to meet someone in person, and then get to know them better via Social Media! I met Michelle Gannon, a licensed psychologist based out of San Francisco a few years ago at a marriage conference. I'm sorry I corrupted her young kids by mentioning the Coke museum (we were in Atlanta) but I did score them some soda and adventures!

Michelle is one of our early Marriage Friendly Therapists and The First Dance therapists. She is the Founder of Marriage Prep 101- Workshops for Engaged, Newlywed and Seriously Dating Couples that she teaches with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon.


She is active on Twitter and just started a new blog where she discusses relationships and women's issues. Lots of fun topics.


And...if you are not able to travel to San Francisco for their workshops you can join the Gannons on a cruise during Valentine's Day weekend! Sail roundtrip from Miami to colorful Key West, and then beaches of Cozumel while learning how to create the best relationship possible. The coolest thing is this is for ALL couples of all ages and stages so if it sounds romantic and helpful, do sign up! I love talking to Michelle on Twitter and even taught her how to live chat on Facebook. I wish I could go but with two small children and my husbands new marriage counseling practice, the timing won't work out this year.

This is a real couple, full of humor, reality, and are not afraid to talk about their OWN marriage struggles. Do check them out!

How Ikea is like Wedding Planning

My husband, a marriage therapist, just opened a new office. This has meant a lot of trips to Ikea, a lot of shopping for things we haven't purchased ever, or in a long time. And it means figuring out the style you want, how much we are willing to spend for that style, and the needs of the couples who go to him for counseling. It also means figuring out how to pay for all the new furniture.

For those who have an Ikea near them, you know it's a great place to get very affordable furniture, textiles, and miscellaneous decorative items like mirrors, vases, storage units, etc. Some say it isn't "real furniture" because it's not top quality. Their mission is to provide great style and functionality at a highly competitive price. And it fits many peoples budgets.

When couples and their families begin wedding planning they usually know it's going to be expensive, or they know they will have to make tough choices to keep the prices down. But there is nothing quite so startling as searching for something related to your wedding (whether it's photography, the dress, food, rentals) and being shocked at the prices. Weddings are a once a lifetime thing (hopefully) so you don't have the "Ikea brand" to know if you're really in a low end or high end place. And the thing about Ikea is if THEIR prices shock you, it is a one-two punch of first sticker shock, then extra shock knowing those are the CHEAPEST prices you will find anywhere.

Often the first place you get wedding sticker shock will not completely depress you because you still naively believe you can find the same things for less elsewhere. It is only in digging around that you find lower prices usually mean lower quality, fewer extras, or a "cheap look". The trick for most of us is to get somewhere inbetween not expensive and not too cheap looking.

So next time your parent, fiance, or friend cop an attitude with you about decisions you've made that seem too expensive, remind them they gone though the same sticker shock in buying a car, a new suit, a house, finding an affordable college, or any number of other things people often do rarely. Even if they still freak out on you, be calm knowing they are staying at "sticker shock" land instead of doing their own research and realizing you may have actually gotten a fantastic deal. And if it's a single friend, be extra relaxed while you wait for them to some day plan their own wedding and call you up freaking out about how expensive everything is and how they had no idea.

Watch for a You Tube video hopefully soon on this topic of money and why weddings are expensive! It's being designed for parents to get a greater understanding of the wedding industry and why it is not the same as when they got married.

Wedding Ceremony Music

I was just "surfing" on Twitter and came upon pianists who are local to my state (Minnesota) but make fantastically popular piano music, including wedding music!

I played piano for 18 years and lucked out having an amazing pianist at our church who invented an impromptu Bridal March for me and played a ragtime piece for our walk down the aisle together after the ceremony. Ragtime - never would have thought of it but it was fantastic.

Great piano music here and if you buy anything through this link, you're also supporting our efforts at The First Dance to support and strengthen new marriages. Help your wedding (or nerves - they have really relaxing music for sale on MP3 download or CD's).

In fact this makes me want to email the piano brothers! I'll blog about it if I do land an interview with them! :)