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The First Dance: Modern Bride Trendsetting Advice on
Managing the Family Dynamics of Wedding Planning
Where did the name “The First Dance” come from?
What kinds of couples is the program for—and not for?
How is the First Dance better than what is already available to couples and parents?
When is the best time to take the program?
What is the difference between the group version and the individual version?
How can I take the group version?
Do you offer other wedding planning resources?
I have a story to share or a question to ask about The First Dance. How can I do that?
How soon after I order can I expect to receive the DVD?
Do you believe that weddings should be less expensive than they are nowadays, and do you have opinions about who should pay the wedding costs?
Our program has no prescriptions for the type of wedding couples should have. Every couple is different and comes from different financial and family circumstances for their wedding budget. Our messages about money are twofold: make decisions based on your values and not what everyone else is doing with their wedding, and be completely clear about who is paying for what—and what influence comes with paying for something.
How important is etiquette in helping with problems around guest lists, budgeting, prioritizing costs, invitation wording , money in general?
Etiquette used to be a very important social mechanism to figure out all aspects of weddings. Weddings used to be much more simple and straightforward, and family structures were less complex. In today's world it is an "anything goes" culture, for better and worse. We feel etiquette, especially in standard Emily Post type etiquette books, barely reflects the world we live in today, let alone deals with the extreme pressures (socially and culturally) placed on engaged couples today who often come from families of divorce, remarriage, are paying their own way, etc. Our philosophy is a nuanced stance that walks people through what is underlying all aspects of wedding stressors: money, guest lists, etiquette debates, who to invite, budget, decision making. Only when you dig deeper will you begin to see the "dance" that is going on between the stakeholders of the day and only then can you come to a real sense of the problem and potential solutions.
Where did the name “The First Dance” come from?
It has two meanings for us. First is the image of the bride and groom coming together as a couple and being in new kinds of relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, and friends. This is made visible at wedding receptions when the bridal couple does their first dance alone, then pair off with their parents and in-laws, and then are joined by the wedding party and guests. Getting to this first dance together, with harmony and good will, is a great achievement for the couple and their families. The second meaning comes from family systems theory, the core set of ideas behind our program. Relationships are like complex dances, with people moving in synchrony together and apart. You can’t tell what is really going on only by looking closely at one dance partner; you have to step back and look at all the dancers and how they influence one another. We know that not all wedding traditions involve dancing, and do not mean to imply that wedding celebrations must have a “first dance.” It’s a metaphor, not a prescription.
What kinds of couples is the program for—and not for?
Early on, we decided to develop a program for the couples and weddings we know best—women and men planning their first marriage in mainstream American culture—and not to claim expertise where we do not have it. Although all couples might benefit from the universal parts of the program, we make no claim that the program is fully relevant to remarrying couples raising children, older couples whose parents are no longer alive, immigrant couples tied to family wedding traditions from their home culture, or same sex couples. As the program evolves, we may expand its scope. For now, we are not trying to be all things to all couples. Nor are we making a political statement that the couples we are focusing on are the only ones having real weddings.
How is the First Dance better than what is already available to couples and parents?
Most of what is available is logistical advice for planning an event; we are doing something quite different by focusing on the people and relationships. There is a bit of interpersonal advice out there for couples, but frankly it’s often delivered by free-lance journalists who understandably over-simplify complicated situations. The advice of the handful of psychologists who write about weddings usually focuses on the couple relationship alone, and not on the family dynamics that are often the hardest part. When psychologists, often untrained in family systems approaches, give advice how about to deal with parents, we sometimes shudder. For example, some psychologists say that couples should tell parents to back off from giving advice (good luck trying that!), and others give rigid prescriptions such as “If you are adults, you should pay for the wedding yourselves and therefore have the wedding you want.” Our approach is that, unless you decide to elope, the wedding is about more than the couple; it’s about family and community too, and they should be more than spectators who are cut out of the process of planning the wedding. If you straight arm these people, you will probably end up with more stress than if you learn to include them and work with them. In professional jargon, we bring a “family systems” perspective to wedding planning, something no one has done before in a practical program. Finally, because Elizabeth and our own family have so recently been part of the wedding world, we believe that our principles and advice are uniquely grounded in what is actually going on with couples and families—the delights and the struggles.
When is the best time to take the program?
Any time before your wedding day. When we began developing The First Dance, we assumed it would be important for couples to take the program soon after they got engaged. Although that might be desirable (to prevent early mistakes), we have found that couples benefit at any point during their engagement. We have had couples in the group version whose weddings were just a couple of months away, along with couples who had not yet set a date. Everyone took something from the program, including a soon-to-be-married groom who saved the day at the wedding rehearsal because he understood his mother-in-law better and was able to be sensitive to her at a key moment of stress. It is also never too late to firm up your teamwork as a couple before the wedding day.
What is the difference between the group version and the individual version?
The basic content is identical. The group version skips most of the audience discussion because the group will have its own discussion, guided by directions on the DVD itself. The group version comes with facilitator’s guide and access to supplementary material such as handouts and evaluation forms. The individual version can be viewed alone or as a couple (we recommend the latter) or with parents (another good idea to spark conversation).
How can I take the group version?
Since most group premarital education occurs in religious settings, you can inquire at your own faith community if you are affiliated with one, or at others in your community. If religious leaders are not familiar with the program, you can tell them about it and encourage them to offer it.
Do you offer other wedding planning resources?
We focus exclusively on the people relationships of wedding planning. We are joining a wedding planning website as their Blog Moderator. Check us out.
I have a story to share or a question to ask about The First Dance. How can I do that?
We welcome your stories and questions. From Get Started Now, select your role (bride/groom, parent, etc.) and you’ll find Talk with Us under Your Options.
How soon after I order can I expect to receive the DVD?
We will ship within two weeks of the order.
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