The First Dance
Frequently Asked Questions
Premarital educators: enter here for faq
Where did the name “The First Dance” come from?
What is the first dance wedding etiquette? Who dances with who?
Do you believe that weddings should be less expensive than they are nowadays, and do you have opinions about who should pay the wedding costs?
Where did the name “The First Dance” come from?
It has two meanings for us and then the origin of the first dance comes from a point in history. First is the image of the bride and groom coming together as a couple and being in new kinds of relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, and friends. The second meaning comes from family systems theory, the core set of ideas behind our program. Relationships are like complex dances, with people moving in synchrony together and apart. You can’t tell what is really going on only by looking closely at one dance partner; you have to step back and look at all the dancers and how they influence one another. We know that not all wedding traditions involve dancing, and do not mean to imply that wedding celebrations must have a “first dance.” It’s a metaphor, not a prescription.
The origin of the first dance is said to come from eastern European immigrants in America who danced at their weddings. As post World War 2 immigration slowed down and those immigrants grew into the middle class they brought the dance with them to the point of it becoming mainstream.
What is the first dance wedding etiquette? Who dances with who?
We talk about the basic etiquette and the complexity that arises when etiquette doesn't quite fit your family life in our The First Dance in Today's Complex Family
Do you believe that weddings should be less expensive than they are nowadays, and do you have opinions about who should pay the wedding costs?
We have no prescriptions for the type of wedding couples should have. Every couple is different and comes from different financial and family circumstances for their wedding budget. Our messages about money are twofold: make decisions based on your values and not what everyone else is doing with their wedding, and be completely clear about who is paying for what—and what influence comes with paying for something.
How important is etiquette in helping with problems around guest lists, budgeting, prioritizing costs, invitation wording , money in general?
Etiquette used to be a very important social mechanism to figure out all aspects of weddings. Weddings used to be much more simple and straightforward, and family structures were less complex. In today's world it is an "anything goes" culture, for better and worse. We feel etiquette, especially in standard Emily Post type etiquette books, barely reflects the world we live in today, let alone deals with the extreme pressures (socially and culturally) placed on engaged couples today who often come from families of divorce, remarriage, are paying their own way, etc. Our philosophy is a nuanced stance that walks people through what is underlying all aspects of wedding stressors: money, guest lists, etiquette debates, who to invite, budget, decision making. Only when you dig deeper will you begin to see the "dance" that is going on between the stakeholders of the day and only then can you come to a real sense of the problem and potential solutions.
Do you offer other wedding planning resources?
We focus exclusively on the people relationships of wedding planning. We are hoping couples Join Us and by registering express interest in vendor deals. We will then be able to email you, not distribute your email, with deals vendors are willing to pass along to our readers.
I have a story to share or a question to ask about The First Dance. How can I do that?
We welcome your stories and questions. Talk with Us here.
- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning
for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.
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