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We're Going to Be One Happy Family...Or Else!
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My mom is overbearing and it's driving me crazy. How can I tell her to back off?
What may be going on: The chances are VERY high that your mother (or whatever person is being overbearing) has always been this way to you. When people are overbearing it's usually a sign of vulnerability and a feeling out of control. People who are overbearing rarely see they are acting that way. They perceive themselves as highly competent and looking out for your best interests. Sometimes being overbearing is "justifiable" in their eyes because maybe you aren't good with details, or have never planned a big event. But no matter "why", the understanding of what is going on underneath, the vulnerabilities and fears, can give you new understanding on how to deal with her. And if nothing else, know this is NOT the time to try to give your mom a personality-transplant. It ain't gonna happen.
What usually doesn't happen, but should: Chances are the first, second, and third time she starts being over-controlling you let it go and let her have her way. OR, you let her go for a while and then explode on her. Either way there is a gap in understanding of roles. Until this point you may have just rolled your eyes at her antics but now, this time, you feel like you deserve to have the wedding of YOUR dreams, not hers.
Rarely do people go into wedding planning being fully aware of the dynamics that are about to unfold and plan according to how their families actually behave. Overbearing people are never going to change, but you have options on how to work around this personality characteristic. Depending on your relationship you'll have choices on keeping her at a distance, assigning her specific tasks that she loves (and being very clear with yourself that she will have full control over those tasks since she is overbearing by nature), or for some brides, hiring a wedding coordinator is a great way to have a neutral third party to help establish boundaries and who has control. What usually doesn't work is to be indecisive (showing your weakness and her need to be controlling), or to assign her tasks that have "rules" around them like no signing contracts or making major decisions without you. Remember if she is ultimately feeling vulnerable and you squash her on the one task you asked her to do, the entire task may backfire and result in high conflict over issues of trust and respect. You have likely seen it all before so you know what we're talking about.
How to avoid potential drama : Overbearing people have always been that way and are not going to change, even for your big day. So you have to stop acting like she isn't controlling, or won't be controlling. Setting firm boundaries from the beginning and sticking to them will be a huge first step. Consequences that may result from not listening to you would involve tactical decisions but should rarely involve direct confrontation around "why are you such a control freak??" For example, you may want to have her do a small task to see if you can trust how she does it. If she goes off the deep end, then you know for sure not to give her things that are really important to you. If she does a small task and shocks you with her openness, it bodes well that you may be able to trust her with more important tasks.
What not to say : Avoid all accusations of how controlling she is, how overbearing she is, "why can't you just back off?", or "I'm an adult now, why can't you understand that?" The more you create defensiveness, or the more vulnerable you make her feel, the more she's going to feel a need to control.
When you talk from your values and priorities it makes all conversations a lot easier to handle. For a quick priority worksheet, download it here. Read more from our book, Take Back Your Wedding available on our website or Amazon.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance is a 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. See what engaged couples and wedding professionals are saying about our book Take Back Your wedding. Our entire website is dedicated to offering advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.