What is premarital counseling?

I just ran across a website with a fascinating view of premarital counseling and marriage preparation courses.

Waste of money, why would you pay someone to ask you both “what your dreams are?” If you don’t know by now why you are getting married. Don’t get married!

After I stop being shocked I did laugh a little. It is a frustration for many couples who are excellent communicators and in rock solid relationships to sit with a third person who asks questions that are just downright insulting. Um, you think we haven't talked about whether we want kids? "Yay, communication came out as our key strength. We could have told you that for FREE!"

But here's where the comment shows its ignorance. Marriage is NOT about your dreams. Marriage is about how you manage your money, your job, your stress, your notions of responsibility, fairness, equity. Marriage is about how you navigate your loyalties to your parents, spouse, kids, and your in-laws. Marriage is a nonstop relationship always in balance with all the other demands put on you as a person.

Marriage is about having SKILLS and abilities. It has little to do with dreams! Afterall, you can marry someone with the identical dream and still end up in a miserable marriage. Or you can marry someone whose dreams change after five years of marriage, but it doesn't matter because you still have a bond, a loyalty, and the skills to work through life changes.

So if you don't want to talk to anyone else, we have some fun at home options.

1 - The Ultimate Premarital Test - research based, over 2 million couples have taken this premarital inventory. It assesses 20 aspects of your relationship and gives you an excellent "view" of your relationship as it compares and contrasts to each of your own views of marriage and of how you grew up. It's online, you both take the test, and you get a huge personalized report.

2 - A new MONEY game. It's actually super easy and fun. It has a sort of Myers-Briggs feel to it, like are you THIS way or THAT way... you want to "win" but you realize it isn't about winning, it's about learning how your own mind and emotions work around money. It will also give you some "aha" moments as you plan your wedding with someone who may have very different beliefs about money.

3 - A 12 hour self-guided premarital counseling book designed and used by a paster for many years. He doesn't believe that HIS role as a pastor is to "tell couples" things. He believes that he can give couples an amazing, in depth experience where they share their own beliefs, values, visions and that in sharing in a deep way, their bond and understanding grow. It's worth checking out! You can make one date out of each "conversation" in the book! It has pages you rip out for each hour-long conversation. Minnesota couples can also do this in a group setting and get $70 off their Minnesota marriage license fee.

4 - If you're experiencing any wedding stress, Take Back Your Wedding is a great way to have a marriage counselor perspective of marriage and family life in book form. You will definitely learn new skills and ways to think about all the complex relationships in wedding planning (and married life.)

5 - And meeting with an experienced marriage counselor in person is always a useful thing. We have a list by state on our premarital counseling page.

A good book on love and fairness is:

Fun Money Quiz

This is a completely unscientifc quiz not about your wedding but your relationship! Whether you're living together or not, you know your fiance well. Let's see how you do. Each of you should answer these questions independently then see how well your answers match! You may not have had all the conversations about the questions below, but this is a great time to play a game and learn. Sometimes the questions are more interesting than the answers and can send you off into other conversations...hopefully not arguments!

I phrased these questions in a unique way to get you to get into your partners head rather than talk about your own views. I also designed this so if your fiance has NO time or interest in taking the test, you can still do YOUR side and see if they agree with you. :-) Just copy and paste this into an email, or book mark this site and talk out loud with each other answering the questions.

1. My fiance expects a conversation if one of us wants to spend more than _____ dollars (ex: $50, $100, $200, $500, $1,000.... etc) or put another way, my fiance would be super shocked and upset if I spent $_____ without talking with him/her first.

2. One thing my fiance would love for me to not spend money on but knows it's probably a lost cause is _____ (ex: expensive make up or lotions, computer games, high end clothing, upgrading electronics often, etc)

3. My fiance would say my parents have the following beliefs about money _______ (what they value, how they spend/save, etc)

4. My fiance was __________(ex: happy, surprised, upset, annoyed) to learn of my financial situation the first time we had a frank conversation about how much we made, our debt, our savings.

5. My fiance feels ____________ (great, ok, stressed, frustrated) about how our wedding is being paid for.

Wedding Trends for 2009

Here is a short list of expected trends for 2009 from The Wedding Report which says the average wedding will be between $21,000-$25,000. The wedding budgets for 2009 have dropped and here is where the "drop" will be seen:

• Smaller weddings with fewer guests
• Destination weddings or destination type weddings closer to home
• Accent colors on dresses and cakes with the most popular being greens and blues
• Increased reliance on family and friends to help plan, pay, and provide some of the services
• Increased use of green and echo friendly products and services
• Simplified decorations, centerpieces and wedding invitations
• Increased use of on-line RSVP's vs. traditional mail-in RSVPs
• Off-peak weddings; Mornings, Afternoons, Fridays, Sundays, October becomes the new June
• Buffet meals, Hors d'oeuvre, and cocktail receptions
• Cheesecakes, cupcakes and miniature cakes
• All-inclusive packages

Bridal Budget | Brides on a Budget

Just wrote up a new article on wedding budgets. It's a work in progress, trying to figure out the best way to mock up what I did for my wedding... I was able to calculate my "definite", "Maybe", and "unsure" invitation list and see exactly how much my budget would be when food budget changed as well as invite costs changed (having to buy in groups of 25.) Then you have to add if you have 8 person tables, every 8 new people represents not just 8 more meals, but a NEW table, new centerpiece, more wedding favors, more chair rentals, and may impact where you need to have your reception (or, too few people in too large creates a bad atmosphere... too empty.)

My ideal bridal budget for you would also include REGIONAL averages instead of national. The bridal budget worksheet would also include ranges so you could get a super rough idea playing with your priorities. For example, you can print your own invitations for maybe 50 cents, or buy super high end ones for $5 each. In my metro area, you can get a dinner for $15/person, for a lower end rate, or you could spend $50/person (or more) in a hotel setting. Photography can be bare bones for 2-3 hours, or can be an all day package. When I do this bridal budget worksheet, I'd let people add in their own rates and share with me what your regional numbers are so I could make bridal budget worksheets by region!

Bridal budget worksheets are very hard to find online in part because prices vary so widely based on a region. My idea of "ranges" by category also creates SO many possibilities it may be hard for math sufferers, or non-techie brides who get confused with all the options... (like high end invites, but low end food, etc.)

I'll get there some day! If you have any help for that project, send'em along. www.thefirstdance.com/contact-us.php

Working with wedding vendors

I've been thinking a lot about the economy and how scary it must be to be planning a wedding right now, especially if you or your fiance are in an industry with a lot of lay offs. It's also hard when family and friends, including your wedding party, may be hit with devastating job loss just as they're supposed to be happy for you and be there financially and with their time for parties and logistics.

One of the joys and frustrations of wedding vendors from my own bridal experiences and even in my role as a "wedding vendor" of sorts, is to maximize their wisdom and experiences without denying your own wedding needs or wedding values.

As you've likely seen, meeting with wedding vendors can be an exhausting, fascinating, nerve wracking experience. Depending on their personality you may leave the first meeting excited, uncertain, stressed out (hard sales pitches are never fun) or maybe you leave laughing at the AWFUL style or crazy prices they are trying to charge. You may also leave not feeling heard - you want THIS, not THAT, you don't need that part of the package but you DO need this other thing. Wedding vendors are always trying to make packages and wedding couples are always trying to tailor their specific budget and needs. Sometimes this works and often it doesn't, or things get lost in translation (the wedding vendor agrees and then when the bill comes, or product is delivered, it's NOT AT ALL what you agreed to.)

One bit of advice my husband and I were given that proved to be wise was knowing how you operate as a couple and being able to not commit to anything in a vendor meeting. My husband and I have bad luck with sales people no matter where we go. We generally are on the same page without talking and have "that look" we give each other that says, "oh my GOSH, seriously, can you believe this sales person? GAH!" Then when the sales person lets us be alone, we groan or laugh, whispering frantically about our plan of attack.... leave the store, try AGAIN to explain what we want, or decide to maybe come back later and find a new sales person.

When you're putting big bucks into this day, you may not always be able to control the personalities of your wedding vendors, but you SHOULD be able to get control over exactly what you want or know exactly why you can't have what you want (the hotel won't allow open flames, or the caterer had bad experiences with cakes they didn't bake so they refuse to tarnish their reputation when guests think a bad cake was made by them...true story of my caterer.)

So back to the economy. My fantasy is some of you are able to find those AMAZING wedding vendors where you can be brutally honest and get their absolute best service, even if it means they're not making tons of money off you. Like finding a florist who says, "hey, if you use THIS flower with some funky favors, you can save a ton of money and still get the wow factor." Or a photographer who admits in her experience, friends do a fine job with the wedding preparation photos and the best use of your money is to hire her for the ceremony, do photos after, and have a few of the big photo-ops done right away. Then have a good friend take the final farewell photos. You'd feel a lot better if your photographer "blessed" that idea and says it works great. Most of us do not feel good when we read that sort of advice in "how to save money" but don't actually know anyone who has done it!

I am thinking about you all. Let me know if you'd like to see any specific advice related to the family or friend dynamics when the economy is in turmoil and nothing seems to be going as planned.

Fighting, communication and assessment of your couplehood

I got an interesting comment from my last post. In case there is any doubt, my husband and I are "good" fighters - never raise our voice, very sincere, listen well to the other side, and generally are "good communicators" as demonstrated by The First Dance Couple Checkup, an online, inexpensive, research-based premarital inventory on our website. The point is that with all those skills you will STILL disagree, still have "fights" as a couple, and the question is how you handle the problem. In todays society it is easy to feel if you can keep at it, eventually you'll convince the other person they're wrong. Or worse, you start to reassess whether you married the right person because they aren't Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, afterall. It's called a consumer marriage and it's a disasterous mindset to have if you take it to an extreme.

If there is one thing I've learned over the years, "right and wrong" aren't words that should be used in a marriage (excluding obvious cases of physical or emotional violence.) The reality is would you rather be "right" or happy? For most couples who have been together a long time, being happy is better than being "right". Of course this all depends on the area you are disagreeing about. Generally those problems I talked about that are perpetual - you always procrastinate, you married a pack rat, your job makes you put in long hours but you love your career and don't want to leave... all those stressors will always be there and sometimes it's better to avoid the unending fights, or to at least TRY to see the other persons side. Your spouse doesn't want to be a pack rat but finds it extremely challenging to throw things away, or you were born late and have never been on time for anything in the 30 years you've been alive... you don't like it about yourself, but having a spouse yelling at you for it won't make it better!

It is often said money, sex, and children are the three biggest areas of struggle for couples. I have seen so many couples who are so mismatched in their values about money that I urge anyone reading this who is like that, to get a financial planner - someone who is "Free" and can help set the groundwork for your financial future. Or if that isn't likely, I was extremely impressed with the small part of a money game I played called Money Habitudes at a marriage conference. This is an easy card game but it is really surprisingly cool in helping you see how you view money without taking some boring quiz or having to think "too hard." I want to get this sold through my website or somehow help couples more on this vital topic.

The reality is there is no "one" right way to handle money. My husband and I both worked high paying corporate jobs, went out to eat almost every night, traveled and had a great time! We could not have predicted we would make major career changes (stay at home life then small business life and he's going into low paying counseling.) The reality is we're savers and have no debt even with 2 years of him making no money. We bought a small house that we love to give us more flexibility, we own smaller cars, we don't buy a lot of new clothes, etc. We could have never gone out to eat, never traveled and had a LOT more money saved up... but for us we couldn't imagine ruining our fun times, the memories we have, just so we had a bigger bank account. It is the delicate line between having fun and saving, between living for today and living for tomorrow. And every person and therefor every couple is going to have their own UNIQUE balance.... my hope is that you have balance as a couple in however that translates for you.

And an obvious first place to start is WEDDING PLANNING! Do you hold the view that this is the one day worth splurging on? Or the wedding is "only a day" and isn't worth going into debt for? Or the wedding is a massive family reunion and worth the time and money to bring everyone in your life together, even if it's expensive, because there will never be an opportunity to do it again? Or is a wedding a sacred family event and you don't feel a need to invite a lot of extra guests so you CAN have an elegant wedding and still not spend a lot?

What if your parents are paying? Does this have an impact on how you plan, how you spend, and where you place your values? My wedding was paid by my parents and was lower than the average for our state. My husband and I couldn't imagine doing more even though my parents "could have afforded more." We struck a balance between having nice wedding invitations, really nice music, a really good photographer and medicore food, the wedding cake tasted OK but looked pathetic (oh well...) and the table decorations weren't what we wanted but we gave free reign to others and again, oh well. We got OUR wish which was a certain "feel" to the reception... the artwork in the church basement, the lighting, the live jazz band, the great host job of my dad to bring all our guests into the reception with some unique moments (like getting the wisdom from married couples that they have learned but did not know on their wedding day.)

Temptations and obsessions in wedding planning and beyond

I have been thinking a lot lately about how there are so many temptations in wedding planning that can cause great frustration. You maybe run into the most amazing wedding invitations, or go to a wedding and they have a photo booth and you just LOVED IT and really want one for your wedding....

but money is tight and you know it isn't necessary or a responsible financial decision...

but you really, really can't stop thinking about it. You begin the slow (or fast) process of justifying why you need it, want it, why it isn't that much of a waste of money, or take the "life is short, just do it!" approach.

How does your spouse-to-be handle temptations? Are you often on the same page or have the same process of rationalizing bad decisions?

Right now the big temptation for my husband and me are the coolest pairs of eye glasses that combined are about a mortgage payment! We fell completely in love with our respective glasses at this boutique shop and can't find anything remotely satisfying anywhere else. It is to the point I'd rather not get new glasses at all than "compromise" on a lesser pair than the ones I found. My justifications are that I've had my pair for 8 years, that I'll be doing extra consultations soon and can use that extra money for something I really want. My husband tries to justify that if he loves this pair so much that instead of buying glasses every 3 years or so (he wears them out fast!) that he can just get new lenses. The problem there are the lenses are really pricey, too, not just the frame.

We feel like we went shopping at a Lexus store and are now trying to find a Lexus-quality car at a Yugo shop! We regret ever going to the eye glass boutique store and wish we could just forget it.

Wedding planning can bring these feelings out in spades because you have the pressure of "THE once in a life time day" and the romantic notions around weddings. There is so much pressure to make it The perfect day and to reflect "your style"... even though most of us don't go around wearing tuxes and wedding dresses on a daily basis. : -)

One of the pieces of advice we got from my former bosses husband has stuck with us. During our wedding reception he highly encouraged us to go travel and have fun on our honeymoon. I believe it was in reference to a gorgeous china cabinet we wanted to get but was really expensive (we apparently have expensive taste in things, ugh!) He basically said that a fire can burn down your possessions but when you are up all night with two young children and life is wearing you down, you will always have those MEMORIES. It's the memories of experiences that lives on well beyond any furniture, or eye glasses, or "stuff". This is of course part of the way the wedding industry tries to sell us on the "stuff" of wedding planning, but sometimes, just sometimes, there is truth to it.

So what would make a memory and what is the unnecessary "stuff" you can say no to wedding planning to free yourself to make memories later with the money saved? Can you block the temptations that you know are not necessary to make a beatiful wedding? Can you move past the decision to have a less exciting....dress, food, music, because ultimately you are chosing to save money or to reduce your stress and time spent planning by being able to MOVE ON once a choice has been made?

$2 Oreo Cookie....

I was reading a bridal magazine a few weeks ago showing fun items you can buy for your wedding. I almost gasped at the fact that you can buy an Oreo cookie - just ONE, for $2. It's fancy, of course, not just out of the package and it is sold in a pack so they never do break down the price per cookie. But wow. Only in the sub-world of wedding planning (or other event planning) could you get someone to buy one cooke for nearly the price of an entire container!

But, as we say at The First Dance, money is not about money but about values underneath. I am the first to admit that I refuse to pay full price for a 12-pack of Coke, but if I go to a movie, or the Minnesota State Fair, I will (painfully) hand over more money for one Coke than I do for an entire 12-pack in the store. Why? You pay for convinience and you pay to help support the places that entertain you.

So the wedding world is the same. Otherwise rational men and women who clip coupons, avoid high-end items, will easily fork over 10x what they normally would spend for this one day. What I care about is whether you are having the money conversations throughout wedding planning. I don't feel it is as simple as finding your final vendor choice, telling the groom, groom flips out at the cost, you get in a big fight, you "educate him" on how much things cost these days, and he swallows his horror and you go with the vendor. The reason I don't like this typical approach is because it's not just weddings where you will find sticker shock. The more practice you get in navigating money dicussions the more likely you are to avoid fights altogether in the future. Your $2 Oreo cookie favor today becomes your $20 work lunch when you're trying to save for a house becomes your $200 baby crib becomes your $2000 bedroom set becomes your $20,000 car becomes your $200,000 house. And on it goes.

I was at a marriage fair and did a mini version of a "Money game." I was completely shocked at how interesting and different it was! I haven't yet made the time to do the full version with my husband but I will. The link to this card game - it's VERY simple - every card you put in three piles and with real life examples you just put the cards in the pile you want. In the end it helps summarize whether you're a saver, spender, how much money means security to you, and a lot more. I like that it goes beyond the traditional "dumbed-down" quizes in most magazines around money. The link to the website is: http://www.moneyhabitudes.com/