What is your wedding theme?

What is the theme of your wedding? And I don't mean colors or style. I mean, is your wedding planning going well? Are you and your fiance getting along well? Are your parents thrilled for your marriage? Are they stressed about how to pay for the wedding? Are they bickering at every little idea you float about the wedding?

Unfortunately, I've seen time and again in both the weddings I've been involved with and the weddings I hear talked about that I didn't attend, the REAL wedding theme may have nothing to do with the wedding. "His parents weren't able to attend because they insisted on having a destination wedding." "Her mom went wacko and the bride and her barely spoke the entire twelve month engagement." "Sure, it was a pretty wedding but you didn't hear how the parents fought nonstop, causing enormous stress on their daughter the entire time?"

It is easy, I know, to brush off all that wedding stress as "normal". It's easy to say that events are going to make people crazy, but at the end of the day what matters is you have a beautiful wedding (and marriage.)

But just remember, the wedding itself is going to be roughly six hours. Your engagement is likely to be about a year. And the REAL theme of your wedding is going to last your entire marriage. The beginning of your marriage does not begin at the alter but at the proposal. All those interactions you have today may haunt you for years to come.

Always stop and consider whether someone's grand wishes may just be more important for your current sanity and for your long term marriage than your need to have a "my day, my way" wedding.

Learn more at The First Dance. And if you need to, talk with a premarital counselor who will be able to help you navigate the complex family stuff happening in your wedding plans. Or at the VERY least take a powerful online premarital inventory that may help you figure out why you're so stressed as you build your new marriage and enter a new family (your in-laws.)

Marriage planner or Wedding Planner?

We at The First Dance love what we do!

One fun challenge we have is convincing marriage educators that the wedding is NOT a distraction in a relationship but is the single BEST OPPORTUNITY for couples to begin hashing out the issues they're having around money, budget, general "project management" as a team (if it's not the wedding it'll be home buying or remodeling, trip planning, etc), family, in-laws, how they balance their relationship with the competing demands of wedding planning (later will be demands on just LIFE, jobs, family, etc.) People in the "marriage world" see weddings as an extremely materialistic distraction and often bemoan "if couples only spent 1/10th the time on their relationship as they do on the wedding........" It's fine to complain but if you're in your 50's, planned a simple cake and punch wedding 25 years ago, it might be hard to relate to the wedding culture today!

Wedding coordinators and event planners see first hand how wedding planning can get a little out of control. The worst situations are when these professionals just know the couple is not going to make it... they have "divorce" written all over them. It's hard to help people plan a wedding when you don't even know why or how they're going to be married! It can also be hard to love your profession, service, or product, and watch a bride (or her family) go off the deep end. You can't just say, "seriously, it's _JUST_ a cake woman, calm down!" because, well, as a cake baker you just can't!

So here's our story!

When I got engaged, as the daughter of a marriage and family therapist, I was DETERMINED to have an "intentional engagement" and not let the wedding take over. I was arrogant about the wedding industry and the experiences that some people seem to go through while planning their wedding.

Then time passed. Checklists grew. Wedding magazines piled up. And I knew.... I got it.

Comparing wedding planning to marriage planning is a bit like telling a pregnant woman to STOP WASTING TIME OR ENERGY on her pregnancy and delivery (because after all, that is just a blip of time.) It would be instead trying to tell her to focus on her PARENTING SKILLS and child development research. Now anyone who has had a child knows that is total crap! The biggest issue you face is all the pregnancy drama and the fear of having this baby! I remember HAVING my firstborn, as a tiny baby, and reading the parenting magazines getting super stressed out at all the issues parents of 4 year old's face. Or trying to comprehend HOW my tiny 8 pound baby was going to be doing all those things some day and absorbing the advice that had no relevance to me at the time. (I quickly realized I just had to ignore those entire sections, knowing when my kid became that age, the magazine would be more relevant.)

The wedding is THE event, just like the pregnancy and delivery is THE EVENT. The pressures you face are not about how much you love your fiance, but how you're going to juggle the demands of everyone in the family, get the budget figured out, buy, order, meet with vendors, and pull off an event bigger than you've EVER planned and likely EVER WILL AGAIN! The "event" you already succeeded at was FINDING, DATING, FALLING IN LOVE, and getting engaged to your partner.

But you know what's exciting about wedding planning? It's actually a wonderful "crash course" in your married life. Has your mom gone over the edge? Guess what, she might do that again if you chose to have children some day! Are your friends raging with jealousy and acting very odd? They may do that again and again if you get a bigger house than them, or have kids when they want kids, etc. Are you and your fiance fighting about a friend you hate and he loves to hang out with? Think BIGGER than the wedding guest list.... think about how much control you can or should have over your loved ones social life as a married couple.

The goal on our website is to help navigate the relationships but to also "translate" wedding speak into marriage speak. Our photography page, for example, helps you think about wedding photography as it relates to your marriage and future. How does the wedding party relate to your marriage? We write about that too in What your Wedding Party can Teach You About Marriage. And of course, we started the series with what wedding planning can teach you about marriage. We have more on the guest list, are writing more every day.

Check back soon to The First Dance!

Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding vendors and couples are in a fascinating co-dependent relationship. Without wedding vendors you don't have a wedding but without engaged couples, wedding vendors can't exist. Engaged couples are trying to maximize their savings while wedding vendors are trying to maximize their profit. Couples may or may not shop around, but wedding vendors know what people in their industry are charging and the games wedding vendors play. How do you know if your wedding vendor is trying to rip you off or is too good of a deal?

The number one complaint of wedding vendors is when engaged couples first ask, "how much do you cost?" They sometimes feel like you would feel if instead of being asked, "What do you do for a living?" you were asked, "how much do you make?" The notion that money is more important than their skills, background, or that they could even give you a fast number without knowing the details (when, where, how many people, what exactly you want from them.)

What To Know Before Getting Wedding Vendor Quotes

read more....

My Stressful Wedding Registry Experience

To the "Silly arguments in wedding planning" theme, I will share my rather miserable experience in what should have been a fun evening of zapping things to our hearts content.

The back story is my husbands grandfather was in school to become a chef when he was drafted in WW2. He lucked out being able to be a cook in the Navy and there he built his cooking skills as well as kitchen management skills. When the war ended he became a restaurant supply manager and restaurant manager. This means he KNEW ABOUT KITCHENS... he knew about kitchen gear, and he raised his daughter, my mother-in-law, to be very knowledgeable. She passed this knowledge on to my husband. I affectionately call them "kitchen snobs."

So while most women have pretty broad freedom to registry for anything they want because more women cook then men, or because some men just don't care even if they DO cook, I thought, naively, this would be a fun time registering for "stuff." It wasn't.

My husband and I have grown together, as all couples do, but one way that we were very different was in spontaneity. Like, hey this widget is only $5, I'm going to get it! My husband doesn't care how cheap or expensive something is. He's a very thoughtful person and automatically thinks through purchases to the point he rarely buys anything unnecessary on a whim. You can probably see where this is heading....

The myth out there is you go to a department store and have fun with the zapping gun, finding stuff you want, you need and then some fun stuff that your guests may enjoy buying for you. But if you are lucky enough to marry someone like my husband, there will be NO unnecessary zapping! He had excel spreadsheets for every room of the house, he researched, talked with his mom, we spend time thinking through our desired future lifestyle. We talked about our families and who might buy what. My family is not a Fine China family and his is - so if I had married someone differently I don't think I'd own fine china.

My husband never controlled my opinions and in fact by educating me I had more choices then I knew existed. Those fancy pans we got have two main brands. One brand is way heavier than another so he had me lift both to determine if I liked one over the other because there was a price difference. He didn't care which ones we got and wanted me to be part of the decision. (By the way, COPPER is the best pan but few people, especially my husband and me, want to maintain the metal!)

I remember asking him at one point whether it was FOOLISH to be registering for all this nice stuff since we didn't even use our crappy stuff! He said yes, that weddings are the one time you get this stuff and that we WILL use it all some day. (He was right.)

But let me tell you, trying to convince my mom we need some $50 roasting pan when her $10 worked just fine was not easy. My mom grew up on a farm and is very practical. She (nor I) know much about kitchen equipment nor do we generally put much thought into it. So there I was trying to remember why this stuff was worth the money to my mom who spent HER entire life cooking for big and small dinner parties, and never needed nor used half the stuff we were registered for.

I have a dear friend whose husband is the same way as mine so I know I'm not alone! I did get a few Registry items by fighting to zap them. One of them we didn't end up getting but the other is now the worlds greatest popcorn maker - a Whirley-Pop Stovetop Popcorn Popper. We absolutely love it and will never go back to our air popcorn maker. (Hint: use a LOT less salt and seasoning on the oil popcorn because it sticks much better. We had quite the salty first round of popcorn!)

But lest you think my husband was a killjoy, we never use the napkin rings I insisted on getting, rarely use the place mats I wanted, and I have now adopted his philosophy of extreme thoughtfulness before getting even the silliest of things. Anytime I veer off it's rarely a successful purchase. I can now go to a store, "feel" myself getting pulled into some fabulous deal, 75% off! 90% off! And still say "no". Perhaps it's only because I can see my husband rolls his eyes at what I could bring home, but I think it's because I never regret nor miss any of those amazing deals I've passed up over the years.

I had no idea even the wedding registry could teach you about marriage. What felt like the most consumerist aspect of a wedding turns out to be great conversation fodder for your married life.

Check out our book, or website: www.thefirstdance.com for more musings on wedding planning and relationships!

Bride and Groom, Parents - Wedding Planning Fights

Few if any of us get through wedding planning without a SILLY FIGHT. There are real discussions and negotiations to have, but then there are just plain silly fights.

I was remembering the other day one of ours. My husband and I were working through the logistical side of marriage, combining bank accounts, all that "fun stuff". He wanted to keep his bank account with a different bank company and I wanted my bank and my account. Mind you, this had nothing to do with "my money vs his money." We both believe that marriage means everything is "ours", not his or mine. That is at least a viable argument and discussion to have since some couples do feel like it's best to have his, hers, and ours. Nope, that wasn't why we were fighting.

He grocery shopped at a place that housed his bank which was one of his big arguments AND he also didn't mind paying an ATM fee to get cash. The gas station I always went to housed MY bank and I refuse to pay money to get my own money out of my bank account. Ah, the joys of marriage. :-)

So, not gaining any ground, I went down a bad path... a bad argument that I knew was bad, but I entered it anyway. I tried a trump card that is downright silly. "But, I feel like I'm already losing my identity changing my name, I deserve to at LEAST keep my bank account that I've had since I was 10!"

This was silly because I was adamant about changing my name. He was even open to changing his last name (but is the last male with the name and didn't want to end the family tree.) I wanted family unity with a shared name. So my name change had NOTHING to do with whose bank we use.

It's also silly to say getting married somehow makes me lose my identity and any internal turmoil I was having should translate into getting what I want - even if what I wanted had no rational basis.

In the end we stayed with my bank but not because I made threats or claimed using his bank would be bad for my personal identity. Those arguments really detracted from the real discussion and took us for an extra "joy ride" of fighting.

Ultimately we are both ATM cash-users, we both get gas at the same gas station company that gets us free ATM use, and we were moving into a house where we wouldn't be shopping at the grocery store that housed his bank. In the end, knowing that my bank was REALLY important to me, knowing we would save money not paying ATM fees, it was a fairly easy decision... it just wasn't as important to him and there was no reason to spend more for something less valued.

But there we go. One of many fights. I'll blog next time about our HORRENDOUS wedding registry experience. It was miserable and a great example of everything we talk about at The First Dance - managing the couple dynamics of wedding planning, of our families, our expectations, and how we view our new lives and the wedding itself.

Share your stories with us of silly wedding fights on our website.