Top Ways People CREATE Wedding Stress

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

Read the rest at The First Dance!

Simple wedding budget tip

If you know how much you can spend on a wedding dress, follow these rules:

• tell your sales person that you can not go a penny over and do not want to see any dress above that rate
• if you aren't sure of the wedding dress shop, call and find out their wedding dress options in YOUR price point. maybe call ones you know are high end to get a sense of how many dresses in your price point they would even carry
• do not shop at stores where you've got free range to look at all dresses in all price points (or rather, do not look but let your sales person or wedding party pick out dresses in your price point)
• find designers who sell dresses at your price point, then go to their websites and find the retailers that sell their dresses.
• do not try on a high priced dress out of curiosity. It can sometimes really mess with our minds to see a high end item and all the sudden see our "favorite" in a new, less attractive light
• do confirm if you have any restrictions from your religious institution
• talk with your fiance on whether he has any strong feelings about general style (great example is whether the two of you agree on whether brides should have clevage or not!)
• once you commit to a dress do NOT TRY ON ANY MORE WEDDING DRESSES. There is no faster way to lose money than to have to sell a dress because you bought a second one.

Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Bachelorette season finale

I can't often watch TV, read a magazine article or website article about wedding planning without groaning.

Take the Bachelorette season finale... spoiler alert:

Did you notice she said both "I have a huge family that I want at my wedding" and pretty quickly when asked about a wedding said a date AND location (in the Bahamas.)

We have a few wedding principles here that she broke. Honestly you could see her dad in a state of shock! His parents laughed nervously and said, "we'll be there!"

Principle: Make decisions tentatively until you know the reaction from that idea. This doesn't mean you always listen to others opinions, but it's certaintly easier for you AND your parents if you say, "we are thinking of getting married in the Bahamas, maybe in May... do you think that will work for everyone?" Rather than "announce it." This leaves parents no room to disagree or bring up "yeah, but" comments without putting you on the defensive or making you upset.

Principle: It's your day, but it's not only your day! Seriously, you'd think the world revolved around her and yet she *talks* about how important family is. Has she given any thought, in her engagement bliss, about the reality of the entire family having to fly to the Bahamas? The expense? The date? What if people are graduating, or have finals (May 9th) or just can't afford such an expensive trip? Again, this doesn't mean everyone else gets to dictate your wedding, but it's certaintly a big deal to have a destination wedding, especially with a large family. It's a much smarter idea to figure out of this will be more painful than pleasurable to everyone involved. You can go there for your honeymoon or anniversary. Do you REALLY need to invite everyone on an expensive flight, expensive hotel, to somewhere special only to the two of you?

And I know the Bachelorette is weird and secretive, but it was a bad idea for her to announce any wedding plans when their families had *just* learned they were engaged. Talk about no time to get to know the other family. It can make parents and siblings really nervous when such a monumental shift in the family is happening, live, on national TV with rapid fire speed and a wedding date and location already set.

________________________
- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Visit The First Dance for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.