Money | A Hot Issue
We have an entire wedding budget area to talk about the complexity of money. No matter what your money views, there is no "right or wrong." This very simple award-winning game is worth the emotional awareness you'll gain. A few big "a-ha" moments may greatly help in wedding planning. Learn more
We're Going to Be One Happy Family...Or Else!
A very unique book written by a nationally respected marriage and family therapist who has worked with couples and families for over 30 years. Learn why a mother bought 25 copies for EVERYONE in her family to get everyone on the same page during the most intense, public, family event. Learn more
Wedding Discounts for Marriage Prep
Engaged couples are by their nature extremely happy. But as you know, after the honeymoon, marriage is hard work. We offer many options for marriage prep at many price-points(and wedding discounts from vendors who want to help!) Encourage your adult child to visit our website.Learn more
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Marriage Prep
4 part weekly class. Interactive, anonomous, online and by phone.
The Emotional Decisions on a Bridal Name Change
For some women it's really easy. They are absolutely not interested in changing their maiden name or they are absolutely going to change their name. But many brides have a lot of unexpressed emotion about having the choice, what the decision means long term, and a sense of loss or frustration at either at not having a "family name", or at losing their maiden name. It can feel lonely not realizing countless women before you have gone through the same emotional pull.
It was very sad to lose a name I loved and felt an emotional and ethnic identity to. In fact it was so sad, I was very aggressive after the wedding about getting every piece of mail changed as it came in (credit card bills, alumni mail, etc). Seeing my old name felt strange and made me whistful. The only thing keeping me strong was the power and strength I felt in having created my new family with the same last name. I knew long term this was the right choice for me.
I grew up in a world where, without the family last name, it was impossible to know if either parent was the legal parent of any of the kids, no idea if the adults were married at all, and no idea who was part of any original family. Perhaps it's nosey of me, or simply unsettling, but I like to know if two adults are standing next to each other in a social setting, are they neighbors, friends, dating, or married? It changes how I converse with them. It's clear if they share a last name. I also grew up in a one last name family and loved the family unity. I always wanted the world to know I was not just dating this guy standing next to me but we made a lifelong commitment to be married. I held on to the "Welcome to the ____" mat vision on our front door, which is much harder if it's "Welcome to the ____ and ____ and ___ - _____ family."
There are, of course, many valid reasons for keeping your last name. Many women have diplomas and a professional identity, publications, and an entire history with their maiden name. The idea of starting over is downright scary with no guarentee their new name will get the same professional attention. Other women simply have no interest in "taking the mans last name", for feminist reasons. Some women simply detest their fiances last name, whether it is too long, funny sounding, or they dislike their future in-laws and want no part of their legacy.
The important stance we at The First Dance take is that all parties have come to a peaceful conclusion. Whether that means the groom needs to have a real honest sit down with his parents, defending his brides decision to keep her last name, or that he's supportive of her emotional saddness at losing her name to take his, the conversations must flow between bride and groom so they stand as a solid unit in the final decision. The groom should also be heard and not simply steam rolled. What does he think? What was his vision? Does his opinion have any weight on his brides decision? What will the kids be called if there is no common last name and how does each person feel about that?
Most of my friends who got married after me called me to have this very conversation. It's tough because we aren't used to holding two opposition emotions. One emotion says "family last name" and the other says, "I hate to lose my family identity!" Walking the emotional roller coaster, having conversations with your partner, with other friends who have gotten married and perhaps have regrets about their decision, and doing some soul searching, will aid in the final decision.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance is a 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. See what engaged couples and wedding professionals are saying about our book Take Back Your wedding. Our entire website is dedicated to offering advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.