You may have been able to survive the budget decisions, guest list, reception decisions, catering, florist, and now you are at ordering the actual invitations. Most of us have an idea of wedding etiquette around wedding invitations and seek the counsel of the books, magazines and weddings on wedding invitation etiquette.

One theme that comes up wedding invitation wording is around whether the names on the wedding invite do or should reflect who is paying or who you want to honor. This is a key sticking point in what often becomes a battle of wills in divorced situations or when the couple is paying for their own wedding but the brides parents feel that wedding etiquette allows them to have their names on the invitation. Sometimes it flares when a distant father wants to be on the wedding invitation because this is his daughter and he feels dishonored by being ignored.

There are no easy answers but as we say in our book, Take Back Your Wedding, it is crucial to get to the emotions underneath the conflict. Wedding etiquette is a moving target and with wedding invitations there are many ways around making it sound like parents are paying, or even hosting, the big event.

If someone wants to be on the invitation and you feel they shouldn't be - what is going on underneath? Do they feel it's a sign of respect to be on the invitation? Perhaps they feel it's a historic document, something you'll keep forever and future generations will see and wonder why their name wasn't on it?

Why would you not want the persons name on the wedding invitation? Do you feel the wedding invitation is about who is paying and hosting or can you see it can also be a signal to guests about two families coming together to celebrate your union?

One question I like to ask is will the joy you get in getting your way be more than the pain you will cause the other person?

- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty.  The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning.  Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.