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Why Do They Care About My Wedding Plans?

One of the greatest myths around wedding is the notion that it's all about you! At face value yes, it is about you because you are the bride or groom and without your decision to marry, there would be no wedding. But that's as far as the "it's all about you" logical will get you. The rest is more complicated.

Weddings are about two families uniting

The wedding culture seems to feel that if you can only shove everyone else away and blaze your own trail, you will have the perfect wedding. The reality is we need our families throughout our lives. Our wedding is in fact one of the highlight moments for many families. It's the moment where everyone in the family tree rearranges work schedules, saves money, doesn't take a vacation to save up for your wedding, and will even postpone surgeries to be sure they are in good health for your big day. We like to say if the wedding is all about you, elope! So the fact that everyone is working to be there means they have a stake in your big day, the date, perhaps who is or isn't part of the wedding party, who is or isn't invited, so on and so forth. Each family brings its own wedding culture and expectations, leaving you feeling like you're at the United Nations of diverse family cultures.

You are asking your parents to "adopt" a new child into the family

You have fallen in love. You also have a family upbringing, a family culture, and a distinct relationship with your parents. Adding another person to that mix is going to cause tension. Whether your parents know your fiance really well or hardly at all, the engagement solidifies that your family unit is no more. Your parents are gaining a son or daughter, whether they like it or not, and will no longer have the exclusive relationship as your primary caregiver. Until you wed, your parents are the only people legally able to visit you in the ER, to decide on medical problems if you were unconscious. And your parents have worried about you from the moment your mom got pregnant or the moment you were adopted. It's hard for some parents to come to terms with the changes that are taking place. They feel their own vulnerability in letting someone else take over and be your primary caretaker.

And as if that emotional stuff isn't enough you are now planning the single biggest public event of your life! It reflects greatly on your parents because they raised you to be the person you are today. How you plan your event, how you invite people into your new marriage all play a role in how they are perceived and how well they feel welcomed into your new family as husband and wife.

Weddings are about your friends, too

You're thinking, huh? Well, either your friends are single and may either jealous you find your life mate, or perhaps annoyed that they are losing you to the wedding and your future marriage. They may actually be very happy for you but are just not that interested in your wedding so they make comments that make you shut up about your wedding plans. Or perhaps they feel like they are event experts and don't understand how personal you feel wedding decisions are. If they are also engaged, it is very hard to not feel competitive around wedding plans.

And never forget even your local friends are likely losing a weekend to do something else, losing money finding an outfit to wear to your big day and buy a gift. If they are out of town it will cost them financially, time-wise, and vacation from work to get to your big day.

Weddings bring up family history baggage

Whether the last family wedding ended with some horrible family drama or was the most amazing event ever, your family stakeholders have an opinion on how they come together again. Some families are all about spending a lot for this once in a lifetime event and some families are very sensitive to being seen as "showy." Some families have a lot of money and some have little. Weddings will bring out all these emotions and more so any decision you make that zings is going to prompt a response.

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- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty.  The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning.  Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.